Genuinely asking because I have two approaches happening right now. My 6yo's room is a disaster but he plays in there and seems happy. My 11yo's room is also a disaster but he can't find his homework in there and it's becoming a problem. Where's the line between letting them be kids and actually teaching responsibility? I feel like I'm overthinking this.
I make my kids clean their rooms like twice a year because I want them to learn the skill, but honestly the 'shut the door' thing is how I survive the chaos. The line for me is "can you function in that room?" If homework can't be found, that's a no.
6yo room being messy is not a problem. 11yo room being an actual impediment to him functioning IS a problem. Two different situations. Make the 11yo deal with it because he's old enough to understand cause and effect.
Big difference between those two kids though. The 11yo needs to learn to maintain his space because it's affecting his actual life (can't find homework). The 6yo? He's happy in his disaster. I'd let the little one be and make the older one clean his room or lose screen time or whatever consequence actually matters to him.
My take: kids who keep tidy rooms usually had parents who nagged them constantly. Kids who develop their own organizational systems because there's a natural consequence (can't find stuff = consequence) actually learn it. Maybe don't make him clean but absolutely make him find his homework in that chaos.
This is actually important life skills territory. Like yes let them be messy but teaching them to find stuff, basic organization, maybe a laundry system... that's real parenting not controlling their space. The 11yo needs some structure even if it's messy structure.
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The homework problem is real. My 10yo had the same thing and I finally just said 'you need a desk where you can find your stuff.' Didn't care about the rest of the mess. He got a small desk area and boom, homework stays there. Solved the actual problem without the room needing to be pristine.