Trying to raise my daughter to be modest without shame

3w ago1 min read

Our culture is making this so hard. My 12yo is asking about wearing a crop top to school like her friends. Instead of just saying no, I want her to understand why our family values modesty without making her feel ashamed of her body or like her body is shameful. We talked about how her body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and how what we wear is a form of communication. She actually got it and wore the hoodie over her shirt. Proud of her. This balance between boundaries and grace is tough though.

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Comments(9)

KKevinNew Dad3w ago

Real talk, I struggled with this a lot. What made the difference was remembering that teaching her to be modest came from a good place in my head but she was hearing it as shame. Took some reworking of how I talked about it.

MMarcoNew Dad3w ago

This is real. My kids are hitting that age too where they're seeing what everyone else is wearing. Maybe involve her in finding outfits that feel cool AND align with your family values? She might surprise you with how reasonable she can be when she has a voice in it.

DDale J.Regular3w ago

That's a tough spot man. I've found that having the actual conversation about WHY modesty matters to your family instead of just laying down rules works better. Shows her you respect her enough to explain it, not just control her.

VVincentRegular3w ago

This is such a tough balance. I've got a 12 year old girl too and she's getting the peer pressure hard. Trying to let her express herself without making clothing about shame has been my approach. Just having conversations about why she wants to wear certain things.

EEvan M.Regular3w ago

This is such a tough balance. My daughter is 11 and asking similar questions. I try to focus on 'your body is yours and you get to decide what you're comfortable in' rather than making it about modesty or shame. It's working better so far.

DDave M.New Dad3w ago

Co-parenting with my ex on this stuff with our oldest has actually been helpful. We're both trying to let her make her own decisions while she's still under our roof. Some battles aren't worth fighting.

KKevinNew Dad3w ago

I think the modesty conversation is really about helping her understand how she wants to be seen versus what she's feeling pressured to do. Her body, her choice, but also helping her think critically about those choices.

CCarlos M.Regular3w ago

The crop top thing is tough because it's not really about the shirt, it's about her wanting to feel like her friends. Maybe compromise? Like she wears it with a tank top under at school but can wear it however on weekends?

BBrad M.Regular3w ago

The crop top thing is tricky because she's gonna see all her friends wearing them anyway. What helped with my 12 year old was asking her how she felt in different outfits instead of telling her what was appropriate. Made it about her comfort not my rules.