Anger management - specific strategies that actually work?

Dec 171 min read

I blow up at my kids over small stuff and immediately feel horrible. The typical advice is "count to ten" or "take a deep breath" but honestly those feel too slow when I'm already mad. My 6yo is getting nervous around me which is the wake up call I needed. Has anyone found actual techniques that work in the moment? Not looking for general tips, looking for real stuff people have tried.

11 comments445 views

Comments(11)

HHank L.RegularDec 18

I keep noise-canceling headphones by the door. When I get home and feel that pressure building, I give myself 10 mins with them on before I'm 'present.' Not ignoring my family, just resetting my nervous system.

RRandy B.RegularDec 18

lol same. I started just walking into the other room for like 30 seconds when I feel it coming. Not even breathing exercises, just removing myself from the situation entirely. Gives your nervous system a chance to catch up.

PPhil K.RegularDec 19

Have you noticed if there's a time of day it happens more? I was blowing up constantly until I realized I was doing it when I was hungry or tired. Fixed a bunch of it just by eating lunch and not trying to handle discipline at 6pm when I'm running on fumes.

GGary R.RegularDec 19

This hits hard because same situation—my 5yo would do something small and I'd lose it, then feel like the worst dad. Started tracking what time of day it happens (spoiler: 4-6pm when I'm starving and already drained from work). Changed everything when I realized it wasn't really about HIM, it was about my fuel being empty. Now I eat a snack at 3:30 and it's like magic.

RRuben A.New DadDec 19

I do this too and the guilt spiral after is almost worse than the anger. What helped me was realizing the immediate apology and explaining "daddy's angry at myself, not you" matters more than not blowing up in the first place. Kids need to see that adults mess up and handle it.

VVic G.RegularDec 19

The 'count to ten' thing is garbage when you're already at an 8. What's worked for me is identifying the physical signs BEFORE you blow—like I notice my jaw clenches first, so now I do like 5 seconds of hard jaw clenches on purpose to get it out, then I'm calmer. Sounds weird but it's like you're draining the pressure valve before it explodes.

RRob K.RegularDec 20

This speaks to me hard. My therapist suggested keeping a tiny notebook and literally jotting down what set me off and what else was happening that day. Took like 2 weeks but I saw the pattern - always after work calls or when I haven't worked out. Changed how I prepped for those days.

DDante J.New DadDec 20

Have you tried the "lower your voice even quieter" thing? Like instead of trying to calm down, I just force myself to whisper when I'm frustrated. Hard to stay as angry when you're whispering at a 6yo about spilled juice.

NNolan J.RegularDec 18

The fact that you feel horrible after is actually your superpower here. That guilt means you care. But yeah, pre-planning beats willpower every time. What does your 6yo do that sets you off most? Sometimes the specific trigger matters.

MMike F.RegularDec 20

The count-to-ten thing is terrible advice when you're already activated. By ten you've already yelled at the kid. Look into "urge surfing" - it's different from breathing exercises. You basically name the anger, feel where it is in your body, and let it peak and fall while you stay quiet. Takes like 20 seconds.

BBob G.RegularDec 19

Real question - are you reacting to the small thing or reacting to the buildup of small things plus general stress? Because the shoelace incident might just be the last straw. Might need to address the baseline stress instead of the trigger.