Burnout is real and nobody warned me

Dec 91 min read

Been a SAHD for 18 months and I'm fried. Like completely cooked. My oldest is 4, youngest is 15 months. I love them but I am bone-tired and tired of being touched and tired of making decisions and tired of being the default parent. Some days I fantasize about just leaving for an hour and sitting in a parking lot. I haven't been honest with my wife about how bad it is because I feel like I should be able to handle this. It's "just" two kids, right? But I'm barely making it to bedtime without snapping. Probably need to actually talk to her about this instead of white-knuckling it.

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Comments(12)

CChris P.RegularDec 10

Look into mommy/daddy daycare swaps in your area. One afternoon a week where someone else watches them so you can literally just sit in silence. Not even do anything. Just exist without needing to be 'on' for two kids.

MMatt W.RegularDec 10

Nobody warned you because a lot of people don't want to admit SAHDing is actually brutally hard work. The narrative is always 'oh how nice to be home with the kids' meanwhile you're literally losing your mind. That's real and valid.

HHank L.RegularDec 10

The "tired of making decisions" part hit me hard. It's decision fatigue from 1000 tiny choices a day - what snack, what activity, what to wear, do we go out, is he safe, is she happy. That's a different kind of tired than physical tired.

PPete Y.RegularDec 12

This. The decision fatigue killed me more than the sleep deprivation. Literally every single thing is your call and there's no break. I got over it by telling my wife "I will ask you for a decision on every third thing" so I'd have some mental breaks.

BBrian L.RegularDec 10

Real talk - have you talked to your doctor about PPD in SAHDs? It's not talked about enough but it's real and it's treatable. The bone-tired feeling combined with the touched-out thing was a sign for me that I needed to actually talk to someone, not just power through.

KKeith L.RegularDec 10

18 months in is when it hits different. The newborn phase you're running on adrenaline and then suddenly you realize you haven't had an adult conversation in 8 weeks and you're losing it. Get your partner to take both kids for like 4 hours on a Saturday. That's non-negotiable.

MMack G.New DadDec 10

I was in this exact spot. Started getting really short with my kids and I hated myself for it. Realized I hadn't had more than 2 hours alone in like a year. Wife and I reworked the schedule so she takes them Saturday mornings and I just... exist. Changed everything.

DDustin P.New DadDec 10

The decision fatigue is the thing that breaks you faster than anything else. What do we eat, what do we wear, what activity, bedtime fight, meal fight, diaper fight, on and on. By 3pm you're empty and they still need 4 more hours.

OOwen F.RegularDec 11

SAHD here too - year 2 is supposedly when it gets better because routines actually stick. But also you might just need help. Daycare 2-3 days a week isn't a failure, it's survival. Your wife's salary covers some of it.

MMatt D.RegularDec 11

18 months as SAHD with a 4yo and 15mo is genuinely insane. You're not burned out because you're weak, you're burned out because you're running a 24/7 operation with two tiny humans who have no off switch. The "being touched constantly" thing is so real and people get weird about admitting that's draining.

RReggie K.New DadDec 12

You need to be touched out and overstimulated. That's real burnout, not weakness. Start demanding breaks. Not asking. Demanding. Your partner gets the kids solo for at least one full Saturday and you get OUT.

WWes B.RegularDec 12

Have you actually talked to your wife about this or are you still in the 'I can handle it' headspace? Because SAHD burnout gets worse before it gets better if nobody knows how bad it is. You might need to look at part-time childcare for a few hours a week just for your sanity.