Took a promotion last year that's kept me at the office later most nights. My 8yo hasn't complained but my wife mentioned he's been asking "when's Dad coming home" more. I feel like I'm failing him but we also need the money and I worked toward this for years. How do you balance ambition with presence? Is there even a right answer here?
Not failing him. You'd be failing him if you didn't care that he's asking about you. One thing that helped me - I stopped trying to make up for being gone by being "present" when home (aka screens off, full attention) and started being intentional about it. 30 mins of actual engagement beats 3 hours of you physically there but mentally at work.
This resonates hard because I did the same thing. Took the bump in pay, told myself it was for their future, meanwhile my oldest started acting out at school. After 8 months I realized the extra $12k/year wasn't worth the family stress. Took a step back to a different role. Have you considered that option or are you locked in?
lol I felt this in my soul. Promotion came with a guilt tax apparently. Real talk though - "when's dad coming home" hits different when you actually hear it. Maybe you don't need to change the promotion, just protect one night a week or something where you're actually mentally present?
Not to be that guy but have you asked your wife what SHE actually needs from you? Sometimes we're so focused on the kid feeling abandoned that we don't realize the real problem is our partner is burnt out managing everything solo.
This is rough but also real - you took a promotion for your family's future financial security. That's not failing, that's providing. The guilt is the part that will eat you alive though. You gotta find those 5-10 minutes of quality time when you ARE home instead of spiraling about the hours you're not.
lol this hits different. I took a promotion too and convinced myself it was for the family but honestly I was just chasing the title. Your wife mentioning it isn't a criticism, she's giving you data. Maybe the promotion wasn't worth it? Can you negotiate different hours or is that not an option?
I had a similar thing happen. Switched jobs, kid started asking more questions about where I was. What helped was being super intentional about morning time - breakfast together, actual conversations. The quantity hours dropped but quality went way up and it actually helped my anxiety.
You're not destroying him or yourself by working. But you might be destroying yourself with guilt that isn't proportional to what's actually happening. Kid asks when dad's coming home = he wants to see you. That's a good thing, not a failure indicator.
The fact that you're feeling guilty means you actually care. A lot of dads wouldn't even notice or would brush it off. Have you talked to your 8yo directly about missing you? Sometimes kids need that conversation where you explain what's going on and maybe set specific dad time that's non-negotiable.
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The fact that you're feeling this guilt means you care. But real talk - your 8yo asking when you're coming home isn't him saying you're a bad dad, it's just him missing you. That's normal. Have you actually talked to him about the new schedule or asked what he'd want to do together when you ARE home?