Depression is lying to me about being a bad dad

Dec 121 min read

I've been struggling with postpartum depression since our twins were born 8 months ago and my brain keeps telling me I'm failing. I'm not engaged enough, I'm not patient enough, I'm tired and resentful and what kind of father feels resentful about his own kids? My therapist keeps saying "that's the depression talking" but it FEELS real. Like maybe I'm just genuinely not cut out for this. Has anyone else dealt with this cognitive distortion thing where you know logically it's depression but emotionally it feels like truth?

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Comments(11)

HHector R.RegularDec 12

The engagement thing - are you doing it or is depression telling you that you're not doing it? Because those are different problems. I was convinced I was checked out when really I was just surviving.

PPat H.New DadDec 12

Real talk: twins at 8 months means you're in the worst part. The 4-12 month window is chaos. Being "not engaged" sometimes is survival mode, not failure. Your brain literally doesn't have the bandwidth right now and that's biology, not character.

LLeo R.New DadDec 14

Postpartum depression is a liar and a bully. The fact that you're even worried about being patient enough proves you're not failing - failing dads don't care. 8 months in with twins is BRUTAL and your brain is running on fumes and hormones. You're doing better than you think.

MMike R.New DadDec 14

This right here. My wife struggled hard with PPD and the guilt spiral was worse than the actual depression. She kept saying she wasn't present enough but she was literally doing everything. Depression is a gaslighter.

DDerek P.RegularDec 14

I had similar stuff creep in after my second was born and it was honestly like having a voice in my head that wasn't me. My therapist called it the depression talking, not me talking. Once I separated the two it got easier to dismiss it. Worth exploring if you haven't.

DDante J.New DadDec 12

When the brain tells you you're not patient enough, remember that angry-at-my-kids patience and depressed-brain perspective are not reliable. You need outside help to evaluate the actual situation, not just your lie-machine.

DDan W.RegularDec 14

The resentment piece is so real and so hard to admit. But feeling it doesn't make you bad—acting on it would. You're aware of it, you're here talking about it. That's the opposite of a bad dad.

SSteve C.RegularDec 14

Have you talked to your doctor about this? Not trying to armchair diagnose but the resentment + fatigue combo after 8 months with twins sounds like textbook PPD territory. You might need actual help, not just willpower.

BBob G.RegularDec 14

Two questions: are you sleeping? And have you seen a therapist specifically trained in PPD? Those two things saved my mental health when our second came. The tiredness+resentment feedback loop is real and fixable.

BBrian L.RegularDec 14

PPD lies like that constantly. The fact that you're aware it's lying and you're calling it out means you're already fighting it, which is the opposite of failing. Have you been able to talk to anyone professionally about it?

MMike F.RegularDec 14

Eight months in with twins is genuinely brutal. You're not failing, you're surviving. There's a difference. Patience and engagement are hard to find when you're running on fumes and hormones are doing a number on you.