Does anyone else feel guilty for not being present?

Dec 81 min read

My daughter asked me to play with her yesterday and I was on my phone scrolling news. Just... mindlessly scrolling. She asked twice and I said "in a minute" and then the moment passed and she went to play alone.

Later I was thinking about how she's only 4 and these years go fast and I was literally RIGHT THERE but mentally checked out. How do you actually be present when your brain is fried from work and everything else?

10 comments381 views

Comments(10)

DDex J.New DadDec 9

I started putting my phone in my room during the after-school hour. Sounds extreme but it's genuinely the only thing that worked. I'm not even that hooked on it but the temptation is real.

LLou P.RegularDec 9

Your awareness about this is already the important part. My dad wasn't present and wasn't even aware of it, so you're already a step ahead. That said - the phone needs to be in another room during playtime.

RRandy B.RegularDec 10

Man, this guilt is real but also don't spiral too much. One scrolling moment doesn't undo all the present moments. That said yeah the mindless scrolling is the enemy. I switched my home screen to grayscale which makes my phone way less appealing to just pick up.

NNick J.RegularDec 10

The news-scrolling thing is so insidious because it FEELS important but it's actually just dopamine hits. I had to literally delete apps from my home screen because willpower wasn't cutting it.

RRon D.New DadDec 11

Oof that hits different. The guilt spiral after is almost worse than the moment itself. I've been there and yeah it sucks but at least you're aware and feeling it, which means you'll probably be more present next time.

CChuck M.RegularDec 10

The "in a minute" promise that never happens—I do this too and then feel terrible. I started saying "let me finish this thought and then we go" with a specific time. Still not perfect but better than the ghost promise.

EEd P.RegularDec 11

I do this constantly. The minute I put the phone down I'm like "wait was she asking for real help or just checking in" and the moment's already gone. One thing that helped was asking her to physically take my phone from my hand. Makes me accountable without me having to remember.

DDom F.RegularDec 11

This is real and it sucks but you're also being harder on yourself than necessary. One missed moment doesn't undo all the moments you ARE present. Kids remember the pattern, not the single exception.

HHank C.RegularDec 11

The guilty feeling is actually useful though - it means you care and you're noticing. Now use that to change the behavior rather than spiral. Next time she asks, the phone goes away immediately, no negotiations.

TTony F.RegularDec 11

I'd add - don't apologize excessively to your kid about this. Acknowledge it once ("hey I'm sorry I wasn't paying attention earlier") and then SHOW her the change. Kids respond to what you do, not what you say.