My wife says I'm not present and honestly she might be right | DadHQ

My wife says I'm not present and honestly she might be right

Nov 201 min read

We had a fight yesterday because she said I'm "checked out" and "just going through the motions." My first instinct was to get defensive but then I thought about it and... yeah, I am kind of in zombie mode. I don't remember last week. I'm always on my phone or thinking about work stress. It's like I'm physically here but not actually here. Not sure how to fix it but at least admitting it's a problem feels like a start? Anyone dealt with this?

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Comments(22)

GGrant C.Regular1d ago

The work stress piece is probably the real culprit here. Did something change at work recently or has it always been like this?

AAdam J.Regular1d ago

this is the way

RRick J.Regular1d ago

The zombie mode thing resonates. I realized I was using my phone like a pacifier for anxiety. Not even scrolling anything meaningful, just... touching it. Got an app called Forest that actually helped me break that habit by making it a game.

HHector R.Regular1d ago

When you say you don't remember last week - like you're just blanking on what happened, or more like everything blurs together? Because that might be worth checking in with a doctor about. That level of disconnect can be depression or sleep deprivation or both.

TTom P.Regular1d ago

I did the same thing for like 2 years. Phone in hand during dinner, half-listening to my kids talk about their day. Didn't realize how bad it was until my oldest asked why I never looked at him anymore. That hit different.

SStan D.Regular1d ago

It's wild how honest you're being about this. Most guys just double down and blame their wife or work. You actually listened. That's going to matter more than whatever technique you use to fix it.

JJoe C.Regular1d ago

Real talk - how much sleep are you getting? Because I thought I was depressed and checked out for months until I realized I was running on 5-6 hours a night. Fixed that and the 'zombie mode' mostly disappeared.

CClint R.Regular1d ago

nailed it man. self-awareness is half the battle

CCarl D.Regular1d ago

My wife used to say the same thing and honestly the turning point was when I just started asking her about her day and actually listening instead of planning my response while she talked. Took maybe a week of conscious effort then it became natural again.

SSteve B.Regular1d ago

The fact that you didn't get defensive and actually reflected on what she said puts you ahead of like 90% of guys. That's genuinely the hardest part.

HHank L.Regular1d ago

Not remembering last week is concerning though. Have you considered talking to your doctor? That's not just being distracted, that sounds like dissociation or depression. Might need more than just 'be present' advice.

HHugh S.Regular1d ago

I'm going through the same thing right now. The work stress never really goes away though so I'm wondering how you plan to actually change things or if it's just going to cycle back.

BByron S.Regular1d ago

zombie mode is real

TTerrence J.Regular1d ago

Have you tried actually setting phone boundaries? Like physically putting it in another room during family time? Sounds simple but it's harder than it sounds when work stress is gnawing at you.

WWalter T.Regular1d ago

This sounds less like a 'be present' problem and more like burnout or anxiety. You might want to talk to someone about the work stress part because no amount of putting your phone down will fix that root cause.

BBen D.Regular1d ago

My therapist recommended the 20-minute rule. Like, actually give your family 20 full minutes of undivided attention per day. Sounds stupid but it's shockingly hard to actually do and it made a difference.

RRon D.New Dad1d ago

What does your wife need from you specifically though? Like is it quality time, help with the kids, emotional connection? Because 'being present' is vague and different couples need different things.

PPete Y.Regular1d ago

lol same here

CChuck M.Regular1d ago

Have you asked your wife what would actually make her feel like you're present? Because she probably has specific things in mind and guessing isn't going to cut it.

AArchie M.Regular1d ago

This resonates hard. I got so caught up in providing that I forgot to actually LIVE with my family. Started scheduling date nights again and even just sitting with my wife after the kids are down with no phones, no TV. Changed everything.

PPaul T.Regular1d ago

Dude, good on you for owning it instead of getting defensive. That's maturity. Now the real work starts though - actually changing behavior is way harder than admitting the problem.

LLuke N.Regular1d ago

I started doing a 15-minute walk with no phone right after work to decompress before I got home. Sounds basic but it creates a transition between work-brain and family-brain. Might sound dumb but it worked for me.