Struggling with being present when I'm with the kids

Dec 121 min read

So I'm physically there but mentally checked out like 60% of the time. Thinking about work emails, bills, whatever. My 7yo was telling me about his day yesterday and I realized I hadn't actually heard like half of what he said. He noticed too—he got quiet. I feel like a failure. How do you actually be present when your brain is already in 5 other places? Is this normal or am I just bad at this?

11 comments84 views

Comments(11)

GGene K.RegularDec 13

Have you tried just telling your kid you're working on being better at listening? Like actually having the conversation. My therapist suggested this and it sounds weird but kids actually respond to you being honest about your struggle instead of just... not being present. Makes them feel less invisible.

OOscar D.New DadDec 13

This is so honest. I do the same thing - my 7yo will be talking and I'm mentally doing a spreadsheet. What's actually helped me is putting my phone in another room during that 30 min window after pickup. Physical barrier helps because otherwise you're always half-distracted.

CCarl D.RegularDec 13

Real talk - being checked out about 60% sounds like you might also be dealing with some depression or burnout. Not trying to armchair diagnose but I was the same way and thought I was just a shitty dad. Turned out my anxiety meds made a huge difference. Might be worth talking to someone about.

NNate C.New DadDec 14

My kid actually called me out on this last month. Just said 'dad you're not listening' and it hit different coming from him. Now I do like a 'repeat back' thing - he tells me about his day and I repeat one thing back to show I actually heard it. Sounds dumb but it works.

DDan M.RegularDec 14

This is such an honest admission. The work brain is hard to shut off but your 7yo talking about his day is the important thing. Try asking follow-up questions to the stories - makes you actually listen instead of zone out.

PPete D.RegularDec 14

60% checked out is real but fixable. Start small: one 30-min activity with full attention per day. No phone, no thinking about work. Just that. It retrains your brain and honestly feels good.

EEd P.RegularDec 14

I was bad at this too. What helped: I realized I was checking out because I was exhausted, not because I didn't care. Fixed the exhaustion piece (better sleep, less work stress) and suddenly I could be present. Might be worth exploring what's actually draining you.

TTerry O.RegularDec 15

The work email brain spiral is insidious. You're not actually working but you're not actually with them either. Have you set a hard cutoff time for work thoughts? Like after 6pm you're off the clock mentally?

CCliff B.RegularDec 14

The thing that helped me most was realizing this wasn't about forcing myself to care more - it was about being overstimulated/anxious about other stuff. Once I started managing my stress better overall (even just a 10 min walk after work), I could actually tune in when I got home.

WWalter T.RegularDec 15

Put your phone in another room during kid time. Sounds extreme but it genuinely works. Your brain can't half-focus if the phone isn't there tempting you. I resisted this for months then tried it and wow, actually present.

SSean A.RegularDec 13

Do you have control over when you think about work stuff or is it just intrusive? Because those need different solutions. If it's actual anxiety you might need to talk to someone.