Why do I feel like a failure when my kid gets bad grades?

Dec 27·1 min read

My 12yo just brought home a report card with a C in math. Logically I know it's not a big deal, kids are learning, everyone struggles with certain subjects. But I felt this immediate shame like I failed. Like his grades are a reflection of me as a parent. Talked to my therapist about it and she said I'm putting my own insecurities on him but I don't know how to stop. Anyone else deal with this? It's exhausting.

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Comments(5)

DDan W.RegularDec 29

My dad made grades into this huge thing and now I do it with my kids automatically. Had to actively tell myself "I'm breaking that cycle." Math is legitimately hard. A C is literally average. Your kid is average at math and that's... fine

SSam Y.RegularDec 30

Talk to your kid about it instead of just stewing. My 12yo actually said "Dad I'm trying, this unit sucks" and I realized I'd made it all about me instead of asking what HE needed. Maybe tutoring, maybe just acknowledgment that it's hard

TTony F.RegularDec 30

That shame feeling hits because somewhere in your head you're taking their grades as a reflection of YOU. But a C in math is just... a C in math. Your 12yo is learning and math is genuinely hard for a lot of smart people. This one's about letting yourself off the hook

SSam P.RegularDec 28

The fact that you KNOW logically it's not a big deal but still feel the shame is actually important - that's the difference between what you were taught and what you actually believe. Worth unpacking where that shame comes from

GGary R.RegularDec 28

I had to really examine why I felt shame vs. disappointment. Shame means I thought I failed, disappointment means the situation didn't go how I hoped. Big difference. With my 11yo I now ask "what do you think happened?" instead of spiraling internally