Wife doesn't understand why I need alone time

Dec 41 min read

We've been arguing about this for months. I need like 2-3 hours a week where I'm just alone - not at work, not with kids, not even watching TV with her. I go to a coffee shop or for a drive and just decompress. She thinks this means I don't want to be around her and the kids and we're not a team. But actually the opposite is true - when I get that time I'm a WAY better dad and husband. How do I explain this without making her feel rejected? It's not about her, it's about my mental health.

11 comments39 views

Comments(11)

TTyler H.RegularDec 4

2-3 hours/week is honestly not that much. That's like 3% of your time. If she'd frame it as you taking care of your mental health vs 'abandoning the family' it might help the conversation

DDrew H.RegularDec 4

Have you told her specifically what you're doing in those hours? Like if she thinks you're out partying it's different than if you're just... existing quietly. I sit in my car at a parking lot and listen to podcasts. It's not glamorous but it's mine

JJerome S.RegularDec 4

Your wife needs to understand this isn't selfish - you're refueling so you can actually be BETTER with the family. When I get my 3 hours a week I'm way more patient with the kids. Without it I'm an asshole by Tuesday

MMatt W.RegularDec 6

This hits hard. I had the same fight and finally my wife got it when I explained I wasn't getting away FROM them, I was getting back TO myself. Now she takes her own time and we're both better

SSteve Q.RegularDec 4

This is so important and honestly I think a lot of partners don't get it until they realize you're a better dad AND partner when you get that reset time. Have you tried explaining it to your wife like that instead of just saying you need to get away?

EEd R.RegularDec 7

The coffee shop/drive time thing resonates. You're not asking for much, just some headspace. That's not unreasonable

VVic G.RegularDec 7

Does she get her own time? Might be worth trading off so you both have guaranteed space. That's what finally worked for us - made it fair instead of me asking for a favor

WWes B.RegularDec 7

I had this same fight for a while. Turned out my wife thought I didn't want to spend time WITH HER, not that I needed general decompression time. Once I clarified the difference it got better. Maybe try framing it as maintenance, not escape?

VVic H.RegularDec 5

Real talk: does she have her own 2-3 hours? Because if you're both running on empty trying to tag-team the kids, neither of you gets that reset and everything becomes a fight. Maybe suggest y'all both get time and trade off?

KKenny W.RegularDec 7

2-3 hours a week is honestly not unreasonable at all. That's less time than most people spend on their hobbies. Does she get solo time too or is this a one-sided thing?

FFred V.RegularDec 4

The coffee shop/drive thing is key because you're not actually doing anything - you're literally just existing. My therapist called it 'nervous system reset' and once my wife understood that it wasn't about avoiding her it changed everything