Anyone else's partner just... different after the baby?

Dec 11 min read

This might be a weird question but I'm trying to figure out if what we're going through is normal. My wife and I had our son 9 weeks ago. Before baby, we were pretty affectionate, had a good balance of intimacy and just... connection. Now she's touched out constantly. I get it - she's been nursing, the baby is literally always on her. But when I try to hug her or even just hold her hand sometimes she flinches like I'm adding to her stress.

I'm not even talking about sex, that's obviously on hold. I just miss feeling like partners instead of just co-managers of a tiny person. When does this get better? Or is this just life now?

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Comments(10)

SSam P.Regular11h ago

Your wife is probably in survival mode. Nursing is constant physical contact and by the time you're done for the day she's DONE. Give it a few more weeks if you can

WWill R.Regular1h ago

9 weeks in - that's still basically the 'survival mode' phase for her. The touched-out thing is super real, especially if she's nursing. It's not that she doesn't love you, it's that she literally has a tiny human attached to her body all day.

PPhil K.Regularjust now

We went through this and honestly the turning point was when I stopped trying to initiate anything physical and just focused on making sure she got sleep and didn't have to ask for help with the baby. Once she got some autonomy back, she actually wanted connection again.

PPete A.Regularjust now

This is normal but also worth talking about directly. Not in a 'why don't you want me' way but like 'I notice you seem overwhelmed and I'm here, how can I help?' Sometimes dads taking on more of the non-nursing stuff helps reset that touched-out feeling faster.

RRussell D.Regularjust now

Ask her specifically what would feel good. Because 'intimacy' might not be what she needs right now - maybe she needs like 30 minutes alone without being touched by anyone, including the baby. That's not rejection, that's survival.

DDex J.New Dadjust now

9 weeks is still super early. The hormones are crazy and sleep deprivation is real. I know it sucks but this usually improves around month 4-5. Hang in there

KKurt D.Regularjust now

Real talk: ask her if she needs help specifically so she can have time alone WITHOUT the baby. Sometimes partners miss just... existing by themselves. Game changer for us

RRon D.New Dadjust now

Talk to her specifically about what 'touched out' means for her. For my wife it was literally just needing to NOT be touched by anyone for like an hour before bed. We shifted bedtime and it helped

MMike R.New Dadjust now

This is so normal it's not even funny. My wife was exactly like this at 9 weeks. By 4 months things were WAY different. Don't panic yet

JJames H.Regularjust now

Honest answer: it took us until like month 5 or 6 before things started feeling normal again. The hormones are WILD right now and she's probably exhausted even if she doesn't say it. Just keep being patient and maybe take some of the 'you have to do everything' pressure off her.