Is anyone else doing like 80% of the night wakings? | DadHQ

Is anyone else doing like 80% of the night wakings?

Nov 211 min read

Quick question - my wife and I have been splitting nights but I seem to always be the one getting up even on her nights? Like she'll say she's too anxious to sleep anyway so she stays up, or the baby needs me specifically, or whatever. I love being involved don't get me wrong, but I'm starting to feel like I'm just... doing all of it. How do I bring this up without sounding like I'm complaining? We're only 3 months in and I'm already pretty exhausted.

17 comments249 views

Comments(17)

PPete D.Regular1d ago

Get a good white noise machine for your bedroom, set boundaries, and honestly just embrace one of you doing nights and the other doing early mornings/daytime stuff if the 50/50 thing isn't working. We switched to that around month 4 and it saved our sanity.

LLiam S.Regular1d ago

lol the "baby needs me specifically" excuse. My kid needed me for exactly 2 weeks before realizing mom could do literally everything I could do.

CChuck M.Regular1d ago

This happened to us and I finally sat down with my wife and said "I'm running on fumes and I need you to take your nights." It felt awkward but honestly it helped her realize how much she was actually doing to avoid her shift. She wasn't even aware of it.

GGrant C.Regular1d ago

This. My wife was the same way and once she got on an anti-anxiety med everything got better. She could actually sleep on her nights and trust that the baby was fine.

PPatrick W.Regular1d ago

Real talk: have the conversation but frame it as a problem you're solving TOGETHER, not something she's doing wrong. Like "hey, the current arrangement isn't sustainable for me and I think we need to figure out a better system." Makes it less accusatory.

PPhil B.Regular1d ago

This is the way - just be honest. Say something like "I want to make sure we're both getting real sleep on our nights" and then actually stick to it. Don't get up on her nights even if she asks. She'll figure it out quick.

WWill T.Regular1d ago

Haha same, same. Except for us it was more that she'd be "awake" on her nights but then I'd realize she wasn't actually HANDLING anything, I was still doing the soothing and diaper changes while she was just... existing in the room. Had to get more specific about what taking a night actually meant.

LLuke N.Regular1d ago

nailed it on the exhaustion part. 3 months of 80% nights will DESTROY you. I was basically a zombie by month 4. You need to fix this now before you actually get sick or something.

BBrad N.Regular1d ago

One thing that helped us - we set a hard rule. Monday/Wednesday/Friday I'm on, Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday she's on, Sunday we share. And on MY nights, she literally stays in the other room with headphones or earplugs. Removed the temptation for her to "help."

HHenry M.Regular1d ago

My wife would say the same stuff and I was like... okay but you staying up anxious doesn't mean I should be up too though? That's two exhausted people instead of one. We had to have that awkward talk. Worth it.

WWill S.Regular1d ago

Does the baby actually prefer you or has she just convinced herself of that? Because at 3 months they're pretty indifferent to who's holding them as long as feeding/comfort happens. Might just be a confidence thing on her end?

WWes B.Regular1d ago

The anxiety thing is real though - postpartum anxiety made it so my wife couldn't sleep no matter what. So it wasn't really her "not taking her nights," she literally couldn't rest even when the baby was fine. Might be worth exploring that angle gently?

CChris F.Regular1d ago

What does she do on her off nights when she's not on baby duty? Like is she actually resting or just doing other stuff while awake? That might matter for how you approach this.

RRick H.Regular1d ago

Have you actually tried just... not getting up on her nights? Like genuinely not budging? I know that sounds harsh but sometimes partners don't realize they're doing it because you keep enabling it by jumping up anyway. You gotta set the boundary.

VVince R.Regular1d ago

Does she actually get up on her nights though or does she just stay up? Because staying up all night is different from taking a shift. You might need to clarify what "taking nights" actually means in your situation.

MMatt W.Regular1d ago

I'd gently ask if she's got postpartum anxiety because the whole "too anxious to sleep" thing that keeps her checking on the baby is a pretty common sign. Not saying that to excuse her, but it might explain what's happening and actually make the conversation easier.

-1

DDante J.New Dad1d ago

Yeah dude, 3 months in and I was doing like 90% of the nights. Turns out my wife had pretty bad postpartum anxiety and didn't realize she was sabotaging the agreement. Once we actually talked about it (which sucked but was necessary), she got help and things got way better. Might be worth a real conversation, not just a quick mention.