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Partner resentment after baby - how do we fix this?
T
Tony V.Regular
1 min read
I thought we were prepared. We read books, took a class, had conversations about split duties. But the reality is my wife is still carrying most of the mental load even though I'm doing more physical stuff. I handle night feeds, I do laundry, I take the baby so she can shower, but somehow she's still the one tracking doctor's appointments, ordering supplies, remembering when we're out of diapers, planning what the baby wears.
When I ask what to do next she gets frustrated that I'm not thinking ahead. When I plan things without asking she gets frustrated that I didn't consult her. I feel like I can't win.
Has anyone successfully split the mental load or does one person just naturally end up as the default parent?
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4 comments223 views
The books and classes are great but they can't really prepare you for the exhaustion and how it changes everything. When my first came home I realized all that planning meant nothing because we were both running on fumes. Maybe try having a conversation about how you're both feeling instead of focusing on the duty split? Like actually vulnerable, not problem-solving mode.
How old is the baby? If it's still in those early weeks just know it gets better. The resentment often peaks around 3-4 months and then starts shifting once you both get more sleep. Doesn't fix it overnight but time actually does help.