My wife can listen to our 4-month-old cry for 10 minutes troubleshooting what's wrong. I last about 90 seconds before I'm internally screaming. She's not acting superior about it or anything, it's just biological I guess? It makes me feel a bit inadequate tbh. Like she's the natural parent and I'm just... helping out. Anyone else experience this dynamic?
Dude same. My wife will just sit with crying for what feels like forever. I'm already bouncing, feeding, changing, everything at warp speed. Different nervous systems I think.
lol i feel attacked. but real talk, my wife would tell you I'm impatient because I haven't LEARNED to listen yet. She's asking 'is he hungry, tired, gassy' methodically. I'm just reacting. different approach, not different patience
wife's not acting superior probably because she's not - she's just got a different nervous system. My therapist said some people are naturally soothing and some are naturally activated. Neither is better, but mine meant I needed to tag out sooner and that was fine. Your kids benefit from having both types of parents.
What helps: when the baby cries, ask your wife out loud 'what do you think it is?' instead of just trying random stuff. You're training your ear AND you're not alone in the troubleshooting. Game changer.
I think some of it is she expects the crying, you're still waiting for it to stop. Once you accept that 4-month-olds just cry sometimes it gets easier? Idk man it's weird but the acceptance helped me.
This is me exactly. My wife can just sit with a crying baby and be like "okay what do we try next" and I'm ready to put the baby on eBay after 2 minutes lol. I started taking walks when she's on baby duty, gives me mental space.
The real question is whether you two can tag team this. Like "I've got him for 5 mins then I need to step out" is totally legitimate. You're not a bad dad for having limits, you're self-aware.
90 seconds is honestly pretty normal. Your wife's got the temperament for troubleshooting, you might be wired for action/fixing - different doesn't mean wrong. But maybe ask her what she's thinking during those 10 mins? Sometimes hearing the logic helps you stay calmer too.
Honestly dude the fact you recognize this about yourself is huge. A lot of guys just yell or hand the baby off without realizing the difference. That 90 second frustration window? You can expand it. I went from about 60 seconds to like 5 mins by literally just putting my hands in my pockets and taking deep breaths. Sounds dumb but it works.
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90 seconds is actually pretty normal for dads with newborns. Your amygdala is firing differently than hers. Not an excuse but biology. That said you can build up tolerance - like exposure therapy but with your own kid.