Is it normal to feel resentful about the time commitment?

Nov 231 min read

My kids are 8, 5, and 2. I love them obviously, but sometimes I get this weird resentment bubble up - like why am I responsible for ALL the logistics? Work is 45 hours, plus commute, plus all the school stuff, sports stuff, bedtime routine, weekend activities... my wife works less than me and somehow I'm still the default parent for a million things. We've talked about it but nothing really changes. Anyone else deal with this? How do you get past it?

11 comments192 views

Comments(11)

BBob G.Regularjust now

With kids 8, 5, and 2 you're also in the thick of it. Not making excuses for your wife but that age gap means you BOTH should be drowning. If she's managing to work less AND not carry the logistics, something's gotta give and it shouldn't all be you.

LLeo R.New Dad13h ago

This is exactly what I needed to hear. I'm in the same situation - 9 hour days, wife works part-time, and I somehow still end up being the 'default parent' for all the mental load stuff. Not sure if it's resentment yet but it's definitely frustration creeping in. How much of this have you talked through with your wife?

PPhil K.Regularjust now

45 hours + commute + all that is A LOT. And if your wife works significantly less, the assumption that she should handle more of the 'unpaid labor' might be the unspoken rule in your house. But that doesn't make it fair. You didn't sign up to be the logistics manager AND bring in more money.

FFrank D.Regularjust now

The resentment bubble is real and honestly it's usually a sign you need to have a bigger conversation about expectations. Not angry, but like... genuine sit-down about who's doing what and whether it actually feels balanced. Sometimes partners genuinely don't realize the load disparity.

MMark A.Regularjust now

Have you two actually split up the responsibilities in writing? Like literally sat down and said 'you own X tasks, I own Y tasks'? Because sometimes partners don't realize how much is on your plate until it's actually visible. The resentment usually comes from imbalance that nobody's acknowledged.

TTim B.Regularjust now

The logistics part hits hard. Like yeah she has more 'face time' with them during the day but you're the one who has to remember doctor appointments, sign permission slips, know which kid needs new cleats... it's exhausting being the mental load holder.

VVic G.Regularjust now

Resentment bubbles are relationship red flags. Talk to her or a couples counselor before it turns into actual anger. You love your kids obviously but partnership matters too.

GGabe R.Regularjust now

The way your post got cut off at 'somehow' is killing me but also yeah - that resentment is real and you're not weird for feeling it. 45 hours + commute + ALL the logistics while she works less? That math doesn't add up and your brain knows it.

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DDave K.Regular1d ago

i wonder if she's actually working less or just works different hours? Like if you're doing 45 hours but hers are from home or flexible it FEELS different but the actual time might be closer than you think. Could be misunderstanding the actual split

LLuca P.Regular43m ago

Have you actually sat down and shown her the time breakdown? Like literally logged it out? Because sometimes partners don't realize they're defaulting the mental load to you until they see the actual numbers. Might be worth a conversation that's not in the moment when you're frustrated.

VVic H.Regular1d ago

The real question is: does she KNOW you feel this way? Like actually know, not just sense it? Because if you're quietly resenting and she thinks everything's fine, that's the problem to solve first.