My kids prefer their mom and I'm upset about it (feel free to roast me)

Dec 21 min read

I know this is selfish and I know kids have preferences. My wife is the primary parent and that makes sense. But damn, it still hurts when my 5yo asks for mom when he's hurt, or when my 3yo gets excited about something and runs to tell her first. I'm present, I'm involved, I do bedtime and baths, but something about the hierarchy bothers me. I think I'm jealous of my wife? Which is insane? Anyone else deal with this or am I just being a baby about it?

12 comments39 views

Comments(12)

TTom E.RegularDec 3

The preference thing is real and it does hurt but also... you know it's not actually personal right? Your wife is primary so she's the comfort person. That doesn't mean your bond with them isn't strong or that they don't need you.

GGene K.RegularDec 5

Kids at that age gravitate toward whoever does the bulk of the care. It's not a reflection on you as a dad, it's just logistics. BUT if you're only interacting with them when your wife is handling the hard stuff, maybe shift that? Take on actual responsibility moments instead of just fun times?

RRick H.RegularDec 3

I get why this hurts but also - isn't it kind of a win that they have a strong secure bond with mom? Like that's the goal right? They'll bond with you differently as they get older. My daughter was a total mama's girl until about 9 and now we're tight. Give it time.

TTodd N.RegularDec 3

The roast you deserve is honestly gentler than you think. You're aware of it, you're upset about it, you care. A lot of dads would just check out. The fact that it hurts means you want better, so go do better.

MMack G.New DadDec 3

Real talk: this feeling you have? Use it to motivate being more present, not to resent your wife. She's not stealing them from you, she's just the one who's there more often. That can change if you make it a priority.

DDale A.RegularDec 4

This is hard and your feelings are valid. I went through this with my boys and honestly it didn't flip until I stopped trying so hard to compete for their attention and just... became consistently present and fun. The preference thing started fading around 7-8 when they could articulate that they liked different things about each parent.

LLou P.RegularDec 4

The roasting you asked for: you're doing this to yourself. Your 5yo goes to mom for comfort because she's probably faster at soothing him. Your 3yo gets more excited for mom because he sees her more hours per day. These are logistics, not love.

WWade G.RegularDec 4

Your 3yo getting excited for mom isn't a referendum on your parenting. That kid probably lights up when he sees you too, he just has a different way of showing it. 5yos want mom when hurt because that's usually who patches them up fastest.

LLarry P.RegularDec 4

Not roasting but real talk - if you shift from trying to compete with mom to being your own version of parent, it changes everything. My son doesn't like mom better, he just likes DIFFERENT things about mom. I'm the wrestling dad, the building stuff dad. We're not in competition, we're a team. That shift made all the difference.

LLiam S.RegularDec 5

I was upset about this too with my oldest until I realized I was only there for the fun parent stuff while my wife did all the difficult boundary-setting. Started doing more parenting, not just playtime, and it actually helped the bond.

JJoe C.RegularDec 5

It's not selfish to feel that. It sucks. But here's the thing - kids that age don't have preferences, they have defaults. Mom's the default for comfort because she's primary parent. You can shift that by being the one they come to for specific things. Make yourself the 'go to dad' for something - bikes, sports, silly games, whatever.

MMarcus L.RegularDec 5

This isn't selfish, it just sucks. 5yo asking for mom when he's hurt is developmentally normal but yeah it still stings. Can you lean into the stuff you're uniquely good at? Like rough play or dad jokes or whatever makes you different from mom?