Working through my son's first few months - did I make a mistake not taking paternity leave?

Dec 151 min read

My wife is back at work 4 weeks postpartum (she wanted to, I didn't push it) and I stayed on for remote work since I had just started a new gig. Thought I'd be able to handle it. Clearly I was being stupid. I'm running on about 4 hours of sleep, I missed his first smile because I was on a conference call, and I don't even know his schedule - just that he screams a lot. The nanny we hired seems great but I feel like I'm outsourcing my kid's entire first month. I know this is temporary but man, do I regret not negotiating even 2 weeks off at my new job. Lesson learned, I guess.

11 comments344 views

Comments(11)

WWyatt C.RegularDec 16

how many weeks in are you now? the "remote work while managing a newborn" thing is brutal - i tried the same and lasted about 6 weeks before i realized i was doing neither job well

MMike F.RegularDec 16

Don't beat yourself up too hard. You're dealing with postpartum hormones from your wife, a newborn, AND starting a new job. That's four full-time jobs pretending to be one person. Talk to your manager about your situation - good ones understand that first few months of a newborn requires actual accommodation.

TTony G.RegularDec 16

The 'she wanted to go back' thing doesn't matter much when you're both drowning. 4 weeks postpartum is rough. Real talk: can you tell your new job that you need flexibility for the next 6-8 weeks? Most companies will work with you if you're honest about it.

SSean A.RegularDec 17

dude don't spiral. first few months with a newborn are legitimately insane. the fact that you're even questioning it means you care. most guys don't even get that far

TTom E.RegularDec 17

post got cut off but yeah i made a similar call and regretted it. took me hitting a wall at 3 months before i actually asked for help. talk to your wife about what would actually help you both

TTim B.RegularDec 17

I did something similar and what saved us was my wife's parents coming for a week and just handling meals/laundry/light housework so I could actually focus on either the baby OR the work. Is there family who could help absorb just the logistics?

MMatt S.RegularDec 15

Forget whether you made a mistake. What matters is whether you can fix it NOW. Can you scale back work hours at all? Even going from full-time to 20 hrs/week remote would probably save your sanity.

CCliff B.RegularDec 17

The real mistake would've been if you didn't recognize something was off. Can you still negotiate time off now or talk to your manager about adjusting workload for a bit?

RRob P.RegularDec 17

Four weeks in is the peak chaos period and you're running on fumes. Remote work during newborn phase is basically impossible - your attention is split and you're not doing either thing well, which makes you feel like you're failing at both. The fact that you're recognizing this NOW is actually good. Can you adjust expectations for the next few months?

DDean F.RegularDec 18

i took 2 weeks paternity and honestly felt like i wasted it because i was so tired i couldn't enjoy it. you're probably getting more time with your son this way than if you'd burned through designated leave and then went full throttle back to work

GGary R.RegularDec 18

You weren't being stupid - you were trying to be helpful and flexible. Huge difference. But yeah, newborns are full-time jobs and remote work doesn't mix. Is there any way to take actual paternity leave now even if it's just a couple weeks? Some places let you split it.