50/50 custody but I'm doing 80% of the planning

Apr 191 min read

Getting the kids clothes, scheduling doctor appointments, coordinating with teachers, packing for transitions. My ex just shows up on her weekends. I don't want to gatekeep parenting but I'm exhausted from being the default parent. Had a conversation about it last week and she said she's just not as organized as me. Not sure if that's an excuse or just accepting our roles but I'm thinking about talking to a mediator about this.

8 comments230 views

Comments(8)

CCarl W.RegularApr 19

Man, I feel this in my bones. Two kids in different schools here and yeah, the mental load is insane even with a good co-parent. Have you tried sitting down with her and literally spelling out what needs to happen each week? Sometimes it clicks when they see the actual list.

NNathanNew DadApr 19

That's tough because you're not getting any breaks from the planning even on her weekends. I'd say set some boundaries about what transitions are her responsibility now. Quality time with the kids matters, but so does your sanity.

MMikeRegularApr 19

Have you had a real conversation with her about dividing this stuff up? Or at least getting her input on doctor appointments and school stuff so she feels like it's shared responsibility?

DDaniel R.RegularApr 20

This is the co-parenting grind right here. You're basically running a household management operation while also being a dad. The mental load of coordinating everything is invisible work and it's draining.

RRyanRegularApr 20

Have you sat down with your co-parent and actually mapped out who's responsible for what? Sometimes the other person doesn't realize how much is on your plate until you show them the list.

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AAlexRegularApr 20

The teacher coordination and medical appointments stuff especially. That's the invisible job that takes hours of your week. You're not wrong about the 80/20 split, that's so common.

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PPedroRegularApr 21

This right here. I've got three kids and I'm doing basically all the invisible work while my ex complains about taking them one day a week. 50/50 on the custody papers means nothing when she's not helping with any of the actual parenting.

LLucas M.RegularApr 20

The packing for trips thing gets me. Like, is it that hard to coordinate outfits for three days? But yeah, seems like she's only showing up for the fun parts and leaving the logistics to you.