Am I wrong for wanting equal say on school decisions?

Dec 251 min read

My ex unilaterally decided our 12-year-old is switching schools next year—different district, more competitive academically. She didn't ask me. Our custody agreement says joint custody but apparently that only means logistics to her? I found out when our kid mentioned it. When I asked about it she said 'I handle his schooling, you handle activities.' That's... not how joint custody works, right? This is one of those fights where I could escalate it but it might blow back on the kid. How do other dads handle this kind of unilateral decision-making?

11 comments177 views

Comments(11)

CCarlos M.New DadDec 25

lol same—my ex tried to change preschools without telling me. The custody agreement said joint for major decisions and school absolutely qualifies. Send her a certified letter saying you want equal say on this or you're lawyering up. She'll back off real quick.

JJason K.New DadDec 28

Curious—did she give a reason why? Is she moving the kid to a different school bc she's moving districts, or is this just a random 'better academics' choice? That matters for how to approach this.

EEd R.RegularDec 26

This is exactly why people need to update their custody agreements. 'Joint custody' sounds nice but if it doesn't spell out specific decisions (school, medical, etc) then one parent can pull this. Might be time to get it in writing what ACTUALLY requires both signatures

LLuke N.RegularDec 28

How did you find out? Did she just tell you or did your 12yo mention it first?

IIsaac T.RegularDec 26

This is the stuff that makes co-parenting so hard. You gotta nip it immediately or she'll keep doing it. Doesn't have to be adversarial but yeah, you need equal say on where your kid spends 7 hours a day.

LLuke N.RegularDec 27

Same thing happened to me. I pushed back hard and we ended up visiting the new school together, me asking all the questions she wouldn't. Turns out the 'competitive' thing was overblown. Insist on being part of the tour at minimum.

PPaul T.RegularDec 27

What does your custody agreement actually say though? Like word for word? Because if it says major decisions need mutual agreement, she legally can't do this unilaterally. That's not you being petty—that's enforcing your actual parental rights.

RRob P.RegularDec 27

Not wrong at all. Joint custody literally means JOINT. She can't just make that call unilaterally. That's a big decision. I'd honestly send her a formal message saying you need to discuss this and maybe loop in your custody agreement mediator if you have one

BBen D.RegularDec 28

Joint custody means joint decisions on major stuff like education. That's literally the whole point. Document everything from here on out and get your lawyer to send her a letter about the school switch. Don't let this slide.

TTerry O.RegularDec 28

Your kid is 12. What does HE want? Because honestly that matters more than whether his mom asked you permission. That said yeah you should've been in the conversation

MMitch R.RegularDec 28

I had the exact same thing happen. She switched our kid's school without asking. Turns out her lawyer said she could because it's 'routine educational decision.' Got my lawyer involved and we added specifics to our agreement. Worth the money to clarify