Co-parenting with someone you actually can't stand

Dec 231 min read

Real talk: I do not like my ex. We have two kids together and we're "civil" but every interaction feels like I'm navigating a minefield. She's late to pickups constantly, cancels plans, and then gets mad when I make other arrangements.

But here's the thing - she's still a decent mom when she's actually present. The kids love her. And our custody agreement says I can't just refuse to coparent with her.

So how do you do this? How do you actually care about someone's wellbeing and your kids' relationship with them when you genuinely don't like them as a person? I'm not talking about abuse or anything - she's just... difficult. Selfish. Unreliable.

Does it get easier, or am I just stuck with this forever?

9 comments220 views

Comments(9)

DDanny R.RegularDec 23

Being civil =/= being functional co-parents. You can dislike someone and still communicate effectively about logistics. Have you tried keeping interactions to a co-parenting app instead of direct texting? Sounds like you might benefit from that buffer.

JJoel F.RegularDec 24

I don't like my ex either and honestly some of that is just grief - grief that we couldn't make it work, grief over the family structure we lost. Sometimes the dislike is actually just anger about the situation. Worth examining that separately from whether she's actually being difficult about co-parenting logistics.

DDan M.RegularDec 24

"Civil" co-parenting with someone you don't like is exhausting because you're policing yourself constantly. You can't just react naturally, you have to calculate every response. That burnout is real even if the kids aren't seeing the conflict.

AArchie K.RegularDec 24

The minefield feeling - is she actually combative or does it just FEEL that way because of history? Because sometimes after a breakup every interaction gets defensive even when the other person isn't being intentionally difficult. Not saying that's your situation, just asking.

GGabe R.RegularDec 25

How long have you been dealing with this? Because if it's been years of late pickups and cancellations, you might need a formal agreement with consequences. Not to be adversarial but to protect your time with your kids.

FFritz N.RegularDec 24

Late pickups and cancellations are especially maddening because they affect your kids' emotional security even if the agreement's being "technically followed." It's not just inconvenient, it teaches them mom's schedule doesn't matter. How are the kids handling the inconsistency?

CCliff B.RegularDec 25

I had to literally stop trying to like my ex and instead just treat the co-parenting like a business transaction. No friendliness, no small talk, just logistics. Sounds cold but it actually reduced my stress because I stopped expecting her to be reasonable and just worked around her patterns. Email only, no texts.

CChris F.RegularDec 24

The minefield feeling is what kills me about this comment. You're describing hypervigilance basically. That takes more energy than the actual co-parenting does. Have you considered a mediator or parallel parenting setup where you're not trying to be friendly, just functional?

RRyan M.New DadDec 26

The late pickups and cancellations are the worst because they directly affect YOUR time with the kids. That's not just annoying, that's disrespectful of your parenting. Late pickups especially - I assume she's still the one picking them up?