Custody swap schedule falling apart - need reality check

Nov 231 min read

Been doing 50/50 with my ex for about 2 years now (kids are 7 and 9). The original schedule was Mon-Wed with me, Thu-Sat with her, alternating Sundays. Sounds simple right? Except now she's started picking them up early "when she can" and dropping them off late, and I'm supposed to just roll with it. Last week she texted at 4pm asking if she could grab them at 5 instead of 6. I had already made dinner plans.

I don't want to be that guy who's rigid about everything, but this is affecting my ability to plan literally anything. When I tried bringing it up she said I'm being "controlling" and that kids benefit from flexibility. Maybe she's right? But I also feel like the whole point of a schedule is so both parents can count on their time. Am I being unreasonable here?

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Comments(20)

TTim B.Regular1d ago

The "kids benefit from flexibility" argument only works if BOTH parents are on board with being flexible. You clearly are not, and for good reason. That's not flexibility - that's one parent unilaterally changing things and the other parent eating the costs.

SSteve B.Regular1d ago

she called you controlling for wanting to stick to a legal agreement you both signed? lol ok. that's manipulation. don't fall for it.

FFinn M.Regular1d ago

haha the "controlling" accusation is classic. you're literally asking for the agreed-upon custody schedule to be followed. that's not controlling, that's basic co-parenting.

WWyatt C.Regular1d ago

my take: agree that some flexibility is good, but SHE needs to adapt when YOU can't accommodate, not the other way around. if she picks them up early without asking ahead of time, that's not flexibility, that's just disrespect.

FFrank D.Regular1d ago

I tried the "flexibility" thing for a year and it tanked my whole life. Couldn't make plans with my girlfriend, couldn't commit to anything. Finally told my ex we're reverting to the schedule 100% unless she gives 72 hours notice. Best decision I made. You're not being rigid, you're being reasonable.

KKenny W.Regular1d ago

You're not being unreasonable. A schedule exists for a reason - so both of you can plan. 'Flexibility' is code for 'I do what I want and you adjust.' There's a difference between occasionally being flexible and constantly moving the goalposts.

BBob M.Regular1d ago

The crazy part is she's probably thinking "he doesn't mind so I'll keep doing this." Boundaries only work if you actually enforce them. First offense, let her know this needs to stop. Second offense, don't accommodate it. She'll get the message.

JJoel F.Regular1d ago

Wait, so you're supposed to drop your dinner plans because she texts at 4pm? Nope. That's not flexibility, that's you being her backup option. Set a hard cutoff: requests for schedule changes need to be made 48 hours in advance minimum, and you're allowed to say no without justifying it.

MMatt J.Regular1d ago

You could also offer to be flexible IF she gives you notice. Like "I can move things around if you ask me before 24 hours, but I can't do same-day changes." That's a reasonable compromise that still protects your ability to plan.

SSean A.Regular1d ago

The dinner plans thing is the key here. You already had something scheduled. That's the whole point of having set times - so you can make your own plans. She doesn't get to be spontaneous with YOUR time. That's not how this works.

KKurt D.Regular1d ago

Real talk: some moms do this because they think being the 'flexible' parent makes them look better. Doesn't matter. You agreed to a schedule. Stick to it. If she wants to be flexible, she can be flexible with her own time.

LLarry K.Regular1d ago

One question - does your custody agreement actually say the times, or is it just what you two agreed to verbally? If it's in the official paperwork, you have way more leverage. If it's just a handshake deal, you need to get it formalized.

TTony G.Regular1d ago

This is the beginning of a pattern that will get worse if you don't address it now. In a year it'll be "well we've been flexible for a while so you should just be flexible all the time." Set the boundary NOW.

DDean F.Regular1d ago

Has she explained WHY she needs to pick them up early/late? Or is it just "I can" whenever it suits her mood? That distinction matters because occasional legitimate requests are different from just ignoring the schedule.

PPaul W.Regular1d ago

I dealt with this exact thing. My ex would do the same 'flexibility' talk but really she just wanted to do whatever suited her that day. After 6 months of this I finally said: pickups are 6pm, dropoffs are 6pm, period. No exceptions unless it's an actual emergency. She hated it but guess what - the kids adjusted fine and I could actually make plans again.

SSam T.New Dad1d ago

I'm gonna pushback on this a little - kids DO benefit from some flexibility and seeing their parents cooperate. But you're right that you can't just wing it every week. Maybe try: "I can be flexible on X days, but not on Y and Z because I need those locked in." Pick a couple days that are negotiable and keep the others firm.

JJames H.Regular1d ago

Get everything in writing from now on. When she texts asking to change pickup, text back: "I'm not available at 5 but pickup is at 6 as scheduled." Keep it simple, no explanations, no apologies. She'll either adjust or she won't, but at least there's a record.

RRick J.New Dad1d ago

Document everything. Screenshot the texts. If this keeps happening, you might need this for a custody modification or just to show a judge that she's not respecting the agreement. Not saying go nuclear yet, but have your ducks in a row.

EEd R.Regular1d ago

The kids benefit from structure way more than they benefit from random flexibility. Consistency matters. Stick to your guns here.

MMack G.New Dad1d ago

Genuine question: when she asks to adjust, what does she say the reason is? Is it legitimate stuff (work emergency, etc) or just "my plans changed"? That matters for how you should respond.