Different discipline approaches - am I the pushover?

Dec 141 min read

My ex is STRICT. Like, no screens during the week, bedtime at 8pm rigid, consequences for everything. I'm more... relaxed. My kids (8, 10, 13) know that at my place the rules are looser. They get more tablet time, bedtime is more flexible, I'm not as quick to yell.

My ex brought this up at pickup yesterday saying I'm "undermining" her and the kids are comparing houses. Which - yeah, they are. My 10yo literally said "mom's house has more rules than dad's house."

I don't want to be the fun parent who's useless, but I also don't think I should run my house exactly like hers. How do other guys balance this?

10 comments389 views

Comments(10)

LLarry P.RegularDec 14

strict vs relaxed isn't bad by itself, but your 13yo is learning two completely different rule systems and that's confusing. maybe try to find middle ground on like... 3 things (screens, bedtime, basic respect stuff)?

WWill R.RegularDec 14

you're not the pushover, but this dynamic creates a problem long term. kids at 13 especially will eventually figure out how to play the systems against each other. the 8 and 10yo are already doing it ("mom says no but dad lets us..."). gotta at least align on big stuff

RReggie K.New DadDec 14

The "my house, my rules" is fair but worth asking - are your loose rules actually better or are you just conflict-avoidant? Not saying you are, but that's the thing to genuinely check with yourself on.

VVince R.RegularDec 14

You're not the pushover, you're just... different. And kids knowing there are different rule sets at different houses is actually normal and okay. Where it gets messy is if the kids play you guys against each other.

AAdam J.RegularDec 16

Replying to the strict comment - strict mom parenting works, yours works, they're just different. Real problem is when kids weaponize that ("dad lets me" or "mom's so unfair"). That's when you gotta sync up on basics even if your approaches differ.

CCarl L.RegularDec 15

Honestly the fact that you're worrying about being the pushover means you probably aren't. Real pushovers don't question themselves. You're just... maybe not as consistent? Talk to your ex about which rules actually matter (big stuff) vs which are just preference.

NNate C.New DadDec 16

8pm bedtime for a 13yo IS rigid though. Puberty changes sleep needs - teens naturally stay up later. That said, the screens during the week thing? Hard limits actually work for executive function. She's not wrong about that part.

DDwayne S.RegularDec 16

the difference is fine, but they need some overlapping rules or they get whiplash. my ex and i both had screens but different limits - hers was stricter but we were in the ballpark. if you're POLAR opposite on every rule, the kids become little negotiators trying to exploit the gap

WWade T.New DadDec 15

how'd they react when they had to go back to her place after a relaxed weekend? my guess is the transition is rough for them

DDom F.RegularDec 15

this is tough because you SHOULD be able to parent differently, but the 13yo especially is old enough to start resenting one parent or the other based on these rules. strict parent gets seen as unfair, you get seen as the fun one, and respect goes out the window at strict parent's house