Different parenting styles - when does it become a problem?

Dec 131 min read

My ex is way stricter than me. She has a bunch of rules I wouldn't enforce - no screens after 7pm, limited snacks, bedtime at 8:30 even on weekends. I'm more relaxed. My kids obviously prefer my house which feels great but also guilt-inducing?? Is it messing them up to have two completely different homes? My 8-year-old literally asked to stay at my place on her week. I didn't say yes but... do I need to align more with her parenting style or is this normal and they'll be fine?

12 comments110 views

Comments(12)

TThomas H.RegularDec 13

It becomes a problem when the kids start playing you against each other or when one parent feels disrespected. Strict bedtime every night vs flexible on weekends? That's different parenting styles. Strict bedtime vs "bedtime is whenever" is a gap that matters.

VVic H.RegularDec 13

This becomes a problem when the kids start playing you off each other—"mom lets me do X" or "dad said I could Y." If that's not happening yet it's fine. But the second they're using the different rules as leverage, you two need to have a convo.

GGreg M.RegularDec 13

The "obviously prefer my house" part is the thing to watch. That's not actually a win—it means they're learning that rules = bad and no rules = good, which tanks you when they get older. Your ex's consistency is probably annoying her too but it's building something you aren't.

PPhil K.RegularDec 14

Kids preferring your house because it's more relaxed is natural but might also mean they're not getting the wind-down routine they actually need. My ex was strict about screens-off time and I thought it was excessive until I realized my kids actually slept better at her place.

AAndy S.RegularDec 14

This is tricky because yeah kids will naturally gravitate toward the "yes" house, but inconsistency is rough long-term. The fact that she has structure and you're relaxed isn't inherently bad - it's that they need to know what to expect at each place.

CCarl D.RegularDec 14

Real question: are they asking to skip their mom's rules or are they just chillin at your place? Because wanting to be at the fun house is normal. Actually undermining her rules to them is the problem.

DDale A.RegularDec 14

Different styles only works if you're on the same page about the "why." Like, you can be relaxed about snacks, but are you aligned with her on homework expectations? Bedtime might seem small but it affects school performance. The strict on screens part especially—you might want to sync up there because that's not just parenting style, that's actual sleep science.

JJoel F.RegularDec 13

Honestly the no-screens-after-7pm rule is probably making them sleep better and focus better in school, even if it sucks at your house. Not saying you need to match her exactly but if your house is the free-for-all and hers is structured, they're getting whiplash every other week.

OOmar S.RegularDec 15

The real question: are they acting out at her house? Because if they're being angels at the strict house and feral at yours, you've got a problem. If they're the same kid at both places, you're probably fine with the different styles thing.

MMark A.RegularDec 15

The 7pm screen cutoff isn't crazy btw - there's actual science on the sleep thing. You might hate it but your ex might be onto something even if her delivery feels strict.

DDante J.New DadDec 16

Honestly this might warrant a co-parenting conversation with her. Not to enforce her rules at your place necessarily, but to understand where she's coming from and make sure you're not accidentally creating a "dad's the cool one" dynamic that backfires later.

WWill T.RegularDec 16

Kids naturally prefer the relaxed parent's house in the moment. My ex is the strict one too and yeah, my kids complained nonstop for like a year. Now they're older (13 and 15) and they actually respect her more because she follows through. They still like hanging out here more, but they LISTEN to her better.