My ex lets our 10yo daughter stay up until 10pm on school nights, have snacks whenever she wants, and basically zero chores. At my place she has an 8:30 bedtime, structured meal times, and she does chores. My daughter obviously prefers her mom's place and gets frustrated with my "rules." But I feel like she needs structure? Am I being old-fashioned here or is my ex setting her up for problems?
The snacks whenever she wants thing would drive me nuts. Not because snacks are bad, but because unlimited access usually means they don't want actual meals at dinner. Could you propose a compromise like 'snacks available 3-5pm only' or something that gives her autonomy without totally undermining meal structure?
The real answer is you can't change your ex's house rules, only what happens at yours. I'd focus on keeping your place consistent and stable rather than trying to match or compete with what she's doing. Kids actually do fine with different rules in different houses if the transitions are clear.
This is tough because you're both technically right but also both wrong. The 10pm bedtime on school nights is objectively late for a 10yo though - sleep deprivation hits different when they've got homework and early start times. Have you tried asking your daughter how she feels about it? Sometimes they'll actually prefer earlier bedtime if they're tired.
This sounds like you need a co-parenting mediator or app honestly. When you're this frustrated about rules you can't control, it's hard to have productive conversations. FamilyWizard or Our Family Wizard let you keep communication documented and less emotional.
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Document how the late bedtime affects her at school if it's noticeable. Teachers see everything - if she's struggling with focus or behavior on your custody days, that's something worth bringing up in your co-parenting conversations. Frame it around her wellbeing not about being right.