Different rules at each house - how much should I care?

Dec 71 min read

My ex lets the kids stay up til 10pm on school nights, no screen time limits, snacks whenever. My house is more structured - 8:30 bedtime, screen time ends at 7, snacks after dinner only. My therapist says consistency is important but also says I can't control what happens at her place. So like... how do I not go insane watching my kids be zombies at school then come back Monday hyperactive from a weekend of chaos? Just asking rhetorically mostly.

11 comments130 views

Comments(11)

CChris P.RegularDec 8

your therapist is right to pump the brakes. the comparing game will destroy your sanity. at the same time - 10pm on school nights is genuinely brutal for kid development and you're not crazy for having limits at your house

SSawyer N.RegularDec 8

This is tough because you can't actually control what happens at her house, only what happens at yours. I'd focus on making sure your structured house isn't SO rigid that your kids resent being there. Maybe one night a week you let bedtime slide to 9? Gives them something but maintains your boundaries.

BBrad H.RegularDec 9

the kids will be fine with different rules at each house. way more kids grew up with that than didn't. it's actually a decent life skill - understanding context matters and different environments have different norms

DDwayne S.RegularDec 9

Your therapist was right to stop you there. The 10pm bedtime thing would destroy my kids - they'd be monsters at school. But here's the thing: you can't control her house. What you CAN do is be consistent at yours and not lecture about hers. Kids are smarter than we think - they figure out different rules exist.

SShane K.New DadDec 9

The screen time limits difference is probably fine honestly - kids adapt. But the bedtime thing on school nights would bug me too. That's affecting their functioning the next day. Have you tried just asking her why? Maybe there's flexibility there without making it a whole thing.

GGreg W.RegularDec 9

the screen time thing is actually worth addressing with your ex if you can, because that directly impacts YOUR parenting when they show up tired or wired. 10pm bedtime is legitimately a different ballgame. can you frame it around school performance instead of 'your rules are wrong'?

KKeith L.RegularDec 9

I went down this road for like 2 years. ended up in mediation over bedtimes and screen limits. you can't control her house. what you CAN do is be solid and consistent at yours so they know what to expect. kids actually appreciate that structure even if they complain

TTravis N.RegularDec 9

we do something similar where my ex is way more permissive on screens. my kid used to complain about MY rules until i explained that different houses can have different rules and that's actually normal and fine. now at 11yo she doesn't even comment on it

BByron S.RegularDec 9

care about the structural stuff (sleep, food) that affects their health. let go of the 'snacks whenever' thing unless it's actually causing problems. pick your battles or you'll go insane comparing every decision

CCole B.RegularDec 10

lol the snacks whenever thing would be chaos. But honestly? My ex does similar and my kids actually self-regulate better now. Like they know they CAN have snacks so they don't obsess over them. The 10pm bedtime is the real problem though - sleep is non-negotiable for school performance.

MMatt S.RegularDec 9

Did your therapist suggest documenting how the late nights affect school? Like if you can show the connection between 10pm bedtimes and bad test scores or behavior issues, that's something you could actually bring up in a custody review if needed. Otherwise yeah, gotta let it go.