Every time I have to enforce a boundary (like, my rules at my house) my 8yo comes back and says 'mom says you're being mean.' Or 'mom said you don't actually want us here that much.' Like I get that custody is hard but filling his head with stuff like that feels... not okay? How do I handle this without badmouthing her back? Feel like I'm always the one taking the high road.
Tell your kid 'I love your mom but my house has different rules and that's okay. Both can be true.' Don't bash the ex but also don't back down on your rules. Kids are smarter than we think.
Yep. My ex does this constantly. Kid comes back saying 'mom said you're mean because of the bedtime rule.' It's exhausting but you have to not engage with it. Your house your rules period.
That's rough. An 8yo can't be the messenger between two households. Have you thought about talking to a mediator or therapist about this? Because that's the behavior that causes real damage down the road.
The weaponizing part is key here. She knows what she's doing. Every time you enforce a boundary she triangulates through the kid to make you the bad guy. Document these conversations and mention it to your lawyer if you have one.
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This is so manipulative and I'm sorry you're dealing with it. You need to stay calm and consistent at your house. Don't explain the rules to the kid over and over, just enforce them. The emotional guilt trip will fade when she realizes it doesn't work.