Ex using kids as messengers and I'm losing it

Nov 251 min read

My 9yo came back from her mom's place asking why I didn't pay for her soccer camp. I PAID FOR IT - sent a check to the organization three weeks ago. Apparently my ex never told her that and is now using our daughter as the messenger to complain at me. This is like the third time she's done this. I told my daughter "Mom and I are handling the money stuff, you don't need to worry about it" but I'm furious. Is this something to bring up in mediation or do I just document it and move on? I don't want to make my daughter feel like she's in the middle but she literally IS being put in the middle.

11 comments451 views

Comments(11)

LLuke N.Regularjust now

This is rough because your daughter now thinks you didn't provide something for her when you actually did. From her perspective you look bad. Your ex knew that would be the impact too. That's messed up.

HHank W.Regularjust now

That's rough and unfair to your daughter. She shouldn't be the messenger. Next time you have proof of payment, send it to your ex directly. Don't let it go through the kid. And if this is a pattern, yeah, that's worth documenting because it's a co-parenting boundary issue.

MMiles B.New Dad1d ago

The third time thing is important - this is intentional at this point. Whether it's because she forgot or because she's trying to make you look bad, your 9yo shouldn't be caught in it. Can you establish a "all financial stuff goes directly between us" rule and stick to it?

DDan M.Regular16h ago

Your ex using your daughter as a messenger is a separate issue from whether you paid or not. That's manipulation and it puts your kid in the middle. I'd document this stuff and if it's a pattern, bring it up with a lawyer because it's technically violating co-parenting agreements (most have clauses about not using kids as go-betweens). For now, maybe reach out to your ex directly next time with proof of payment and "please let [daughter] know I did handle this."

PPaul W.Regularjust now

Next time send proof of payment directly to your ex in writing and explicitly say "please confirm with [daughter] that I took care of this." Takes the kid out of it.

GGreg W.Regularjust now

The third time doing this is the pattern you need to address. Not with anger but clearly: "I handle payments directly with organizations. If there's a question, ask me directly. Daughter shouldn't be the messenger." And keep it factual.

JJoel F.Regularjust now

This would piss me off too but don't let your daughter see that anger. She's going to feel guilty for being the messenger even though it's not her fault. Maybe just reassure her directly that you handled it and it wasn't her job to tell you.

MMarcus L.Regularjust now

Document that you paid (keep the receipt, confirmation email, whatever). Next time she tries this, respond in writing/email so there's a record. And don't vent to your daughter about it - she doesn't need to be in the middle.

KKarl J.Regularjust now

Using kids as messengers is textbook coparenting sabotage and honestly it puts your daughter in a terrible position. She thinks you didn't pay when you did - that's not her burden to carry.

BBen H.Regularjust now

I'd talk to your daughter separately and clarify: "Hey, I DID pay for soccer camp, confirmation went to the organization. Sometimes miscommunications happen but I wouldn't let you miss something because of money." Don't trash your ex but make sure she knows the truth.

TTerrence M.Regularjust now

Third time is when you loop in documentation. Screenshot confirmation emails, send payment confirmations to your ex in writing, do everything where there's a record. She'll stop doing this if there's no room for her narrative.