Got full custody and still feeling guilty

Dec 31 min read

Won primary custody of both kids (11 and 8) last month after showing the judge some pretty serious concerns about their mom's living situation and judgment calls. I'm genuinely relieved because I was terrified about their safety.

But I STILL feel guilty like I'm the bad guy. Rationally I know this was the right call but emotionally it's weird. Anyone else deal with this? The kids seem happier and more settled which helps, but yeah. It's complicated.

9 comments236 views

Comments(9)

PPhil C.RegularDec 4

This is so real. I worried constantly that my kids would resent me or feel like I "stole" them from their mom. But honestly they've seemed more settled since things got clarified. Kids do better when there's stability and appropriate boundaries. You made the hard call.

OOwen F.RegularDec 4

The guilt after winning custody is so real and honestly nobody talks about it enough. You just spent months proving her judgment was bad and now you're supposed to feel... what, sad about it? That's a weird emotional place.

NNate C.New DadDec 4

Curious what you mean by "serious concerns about their mom's living situation." Not asking you to air her out but wondering if the guilt is rational (you did the right thing) or if it's more about the fallout from the kids' perspective?

CClint R.RegularDec 4

I've been there. The guilt got better once I stopped framing it as "I won" and more as "the kids are in a safer situation now." That mindset shift helped me stop feeling like I took something from my ex and start focusing on what my kids gained.

WWill T.RegularDec 6

The guilt probably means you're a good parent tbh. Bad parents don't worry about whether they made the right call. Just keep being solid and consistent for them. The relief you feel is okay to have.

WWade T.New DadDec 5

You won primary custody because a JUDGE looked at the evidence and agreed there were serious concerns. That's not you being the bad guy here. The guilt is just part of being a thoughtful parent - you care that it sucks for them even though it was necessary.

SSam T.New DadDec 5

Give it time. Kids will eventually understand you did this FOR them, not TO them. Right now they might be angry or sad but that usually shifts once they feel stable in the new arrangement.

RRandy B.RegularDec 5

Are you in therapy or have you thought about it? Because this kind of guilt is worth processing with someone - not because you did anything wrong, but because carrying it silently will eat at you and show up in how you parent them.

WWade T.New DadDec 5

The guilt is normal but don't let it eat you. You had concerns serious enough for a judge to agree. That's not you being the bad guy, that's you protecting your kids. The relief you're feeling is actually appropriate.