How do you handle gifts on transition days?

Dec 201 min read

this has become an issue and I'm not sure if I'm overthinking it. my ex started giving the kids small gifts on Friday when I pick them up (like books or toys). I feel like it's habit-forming and I don't want to compete with that? But also don't want to be that petty dad. Am I reading too much into this or is she trying to make herself the "fun parent"? How do you all manage this without it becoming a thing?

11 comments305 views

Comments(11)

WWill T.RegularDec 20

My ex did this and honestly I just started matching it with small stuff I had around the house - like a book we'd been saving or snacks. Took the tension out of it. Now it's just like a casual 'glad to see you' thing without it feeling transactional

TTravis N.RegularDec 20

we had this exact problem. talked to ex about it and framed it as "i want them to adjust to the schedule itself, not get used to gifts making the change easier." she backed off after that. might be worth a calm conversation

DDominic E.RegularDec 22

replying to the "cool parent" comment - oof yeah this could be it. check yourself first on whether you're reacting to her behavior or reacting to feeling like you're losing points

HHector R.RegularDec 21

tbh this might be less about habit-forming and more that you're feeling like she's trying to be the cool parent. which is real but maybe worth sitting with first before you address it with her

WWill S.RegularDec 21

You're not overthinking it. That's her trying to make the transition easier for the kids (which is good) but it does create an expectation. Have you actually talked to her about it or just feeling it out?

PPaul W.RegularDec 21

the gift thing would bother me too. not because gifts are bad but because it feels like she's competing or trying to smooth over the transition instead of letting them feel whatever they need to feel about the schedule

IIan P.RegularDec 22

we don't do gifts but we do do like a special dinner or activity on one of our nights. different vibe than bribing them to come over though. the gift-on-pickup thing does read as trying to make the transition about stuff

NNate C.New DadDec 22

The real question is whether the kids are EXPECTING it or just enjoying it. Big difference. If it's become 'what am I getting today' then yeah you two should sync up. But if they're just like 'oh cool a book' then maybe it's not a thing

SStan D.RegularDec 20

I think you gotta talk to her about this before it becomes a real issue. Not in a confrontational way but like 'hey I noticed the gifts, just checking in about expectations for the kids.' Could also flip it and ask if she'd be cool with you doing the same on Sundays or whatever

JJerome S.RegularDec 22

I'd say it depends on the vibe. If it's like a genuine 'here's something I think you'll enjoy' that's different than 'mom always has gifts so dad should too.' But yeah I get why it feels weird

RRay C.RegularDec 22

small gifts on Friday transition is actually not the worst - could be way more excessive. if they're just books or toys and not like expensive stuff, maybe let this one go? but i get why it'd irk you