Kids saying they'd rather stay at mom's all the time

Dec 31 min read

Been an ongoing issue for a few months. My kids (14, 11) say they're "tired of switching" and would rather live with their mom full-time but visit me on weekends. This absolutely gutted me.

I asked what I could do differently and they couldn't really articulate it. They like spending time with me when they're here. But their friends all have "one house" and they feel like they're always packing/unpacking.

I know I can't force them to want to be here. And maybe it IS more convenient for them logistically. But man, it hurt. We've been 50/50 since they were young so this feels like a sudden shift. My therapist said to give it time and not react emotionally but it's hard not to take it personally.

10 comments470 views

Comments(10)

DDominic E.RegularDec 4

Have you asked your ex if she's saying anything to them about the switching? Not accusing her but sometimes parents inadvertently (or deliberately) plant that seed with comments like "I wish you could stay with me full time." Might be coming from that instead of actually being tired.

GGreg H.RegularDec 4

Man that's rough. But real question - what's the 14yo saying specifically? Is it the switching itself that's tiring or is there something else going on at your place? Those are two different problems.

MMatt S.RegularDec 4

Don't make them feel bad for saying it but also don't just accept it as final. Tell them you want to figure it out together - maybe there ARE things that would make switching easier (like predictable days, less back-and-forth on Friday nights, whatever). Show them you're listening without just giving in.

RRandy S.RegularDec 5

This happened with my kids too after my ex got remarried. The boyfriend was "cooler" and there were less rules there. Fast forward two years and my oldest admitted he actually liked having structure and wanted the balance back. Sometimes you just gotta ride out the phase.

CChris P.RegularDec 5

I'd be gutted too but try to remember this is partly just their age. Teens will always pick the path of least resistance. The weekend visits feel "easier" right now because there's less responsibility and routine friction. Doesn't mean your relationship with them is bad.

LLou P.RegularDec 5

Did you ask them WHY they're tired of switching? Like is it the actual driving/disruption or is there something specific about their time at your place that's making them want to stay at mom's? Those are two totally different problems.

BBrad H.RegularDec 6

I'd gently ask what mom's doing different that makes them want to stay. Not in an accusatory way but like "I noticed you seem like you'd rather stay there more, what's going on?" Could be she's letting them stay up later, giving them more freedom, or something else entirely. Info gathering before you spiral.

BBen L.RegularDec 6

This destroyed me for months after my ex got primary time. But I realized my kids saying they wanted to stay at mom's more was partly because she had fewer rules and less structure. I made some changes but also had to accept that my place being more structured wasn't actually bad - just different. Hang in there.

SSteve C.RegularDec 6

Man this is rough. But real talk - at 14 your oldest is probably just noticing the inconvenience of switching more than actually preferring one parent. The switching sucks at that age. Might be less about you and more about logistics. Still hurts I know.

TTyler K.RegularDec 5

The "tired of switching" thing is real though. When my kids hit 13 and 11 we actually adjusted to them staying with one parent for longer stretches instead of the constant back and forth. Maybe the frequency is the issue not you?