My 11yo doesn't want to come to my house anymore and I'm not handling it well

Nov 251 min read

I hate even typing this out. My son told his mom he'd "rather stay home" during his scheduled time with me. He's 11. I have him Wed nights and every other weekend.

His mom thinks it's because I'm "too strict" (he has screen time limits, gets off the couch sometimes) but I genuinely don't know what I'm doing wrong. He seems fine when he's here - we play video games, go out for pizza, normal stuff. But he doesn't want to be here and that's crushing me.

I haven't confronted him about it because I don't want him to feel guilty. My therapist says to just keep showing up and making it comfortable, but I'm angry at his mom for whatever she's implying about me, angry at him for not trying, and mostly just sad.

Has anyone dealt with this?

12 comments114 views

Comments(12)

NNick J.Regular9h ago

Ooof. Have you asked him directly what he'd want to do differently? Not accusatory, just... what would make it better? Might surprise you.

TTony L.Regular8h ago

I'd push back gently on the "too strict" label. Screen limits aren't tyrannical. But ask yourself: what do you guys actually DO together? Are you guys having fun or is it structured stuff? Sometimes kids that age just want to chill.

MMatt D.Regular1d ago

Real talk: does he have friends he wants to see those days? Or activities? Sometimes it's not about you at all, it's about him feeling like he's missing out on his life when he's supposed to be with you. Not saying you have to become a Disney Dad but maybe finding what HE wants to do would help.

KKurt D.Regularjust now

This is rough and I'm sorry. But real talk - screen time limits alone don't usually cause an 11yo to actively not want to come. There's something else. Is it that he has nothing to do at your place? Like are you guys doing activities together or is it just rules and downtime? I had the same issue and realized my kids saw my house as restrictive while their mom's was relaxing. We started doing actual stuff together and it shifted.

SSteve C.Regularjust now

The "rather stay home" comment would destroy me too. But I think you need to not take the screen time limit thing at face value. Ask him directly what would make his time at your place better. Not in a guilty "please like me" way, but genuinely curious. Maybe he wants to cook with you, or go somewhere specific, or have friends over. He might not know how to tell you.

TTravis N.Regularjust now

This is tough and I'm sorry. But "rather stay home" doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to see you - could be social stuff with school, friends, girlfriend (if he's at that age), not wanting to lose time gaming, literally anything. Have you asked him specifically what he'd rather do?

CClint R.Regularjust now

Your ex saying you're too strict and using your kid as the messenger is classic coparenting sabotage. That said, focus on the actual issue: what would make him want to come? Maybe ask him directly in a non-confrontational way.

TTom R.Regular1d ago

Screen time limits and getting off the couch aren't "too strict" they're basic parenting. Your ex using his words against you in this way is frustrating. But the real question: what DOES he want to do when he's with you? Is that boring to him?

WWill R.Regular1d ago

Your ex framing it as you being "too strict" is probably underselling what's actually going on. 11yos don't usually revolt against screen time limits - that's parent stuff. Does he have friends over? Do you guys have traditions or activities? Sometimes kids that age need to feel like they have a life at the other parent's house, not just rules.

RReggie K.New Dad22h ago

11 is a brutal age for divorced parents. He's old enough to have opinions but young enough that he feels bad for having them. The fact that he told his mom instead of you suggests he's avoiding conflict with you specifically. That's worth exploring without pressure.

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KKarl J.Regularjust now

This happened with me and my oldest. Turned out he just wanted to sleep more and have some downtime instead of activities. Adjusted how I structured things and he got more into coming back. Not saying that's your answer but might be worth exploring.

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CCarl D.Regular1d ago

This sucks and I don't have good advice but I do want to say - the fact that you're asking this question and taking it seriously instead of just doubling down on strict parenting shows you care. That matters. Don't give up on him.