My 8yo came back crying because he thinks it's his fault we split up

Dec 231 min read

This gutted me. Apparently some kid at school said something dumb and it activated this worry he's been having. I've never blamed him, never fought in front of him, tried to keep things civil with his mom. We told him when it happened that it wasn't his fault but I guess at 8 you don't fully get it. Any resources or ways to re-approach this conversation? I'm worried he's been carrying this the whole time.

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Comments(10)

RRon D.New DadDec 24

Kids internalize split blame because they're egocentric—everything relates to them in their heads. You've done everything right but he might need to hear it from someone neutral like a school counselor. Not a big thing, just someone to reinforce it

PPete L.RegularDec 25

The 'never fought in front of him' is good but kids sometimes pick up on tension anyway. This is a perfect moment to be extra clear and maybe even explain (age-appropriately) that sometimes adults just can't make a relationship work—and NONE of that is on him

HHank L.RegularDec 24

God that's rough. The keeping-it-civil thing is hard as hell and then kids still find ways to internalize blame. Does your ex know he's feeling this way? Worth coordinating a message between both of you if you can.

PPaul M.RegularDec 24

Can his mom reinforce this too? Or is that complicated? Sometimes kids need to hear it from both parents separately for it to stick. Even if things are tense between you, this one might be worth a quick unified message

PPete L.RegularDec 24

My 7yo asked me something similar after his mom and I split and I basically said 'sometimes grown-ups' feelings change but my feelings for you could never change and nothing you did caused this.' Had to repeat it like 20 times but it landed eventually.

DDrew H.RegularDec 25

I went through this too and honestly therapy helped my son WAY more than me just reassuring him over and over. Not expensive stuff either—even a few sessions can help him process it. Kids brains are weird and sometimes they need permission from a 'professional' to believe what you're telling them.

SSteve B.RegularDec 24

This is heartbreaking man. But the fact that you're hearing about it means you can actually address it. Sit him down (not in a heavy way) and just tell him straight: grown-ups break up because of grown-up stuff, never because of kids. Say it more than once

WWade T.New DadDec 25

This breaks my heart. The fact that you're aware enough to recognize this and want to fix it already puts you ahead though. Has he gotten to a place where he can hear your response yet or is he still in the spiral?

TTim K.RegularDec 26

My 7yo had the same fear. Turned out he needed to hear it from ME specifically that it wasn't his fault, like multiple times over weeks. Not a one-time conversation. Keep mentioning it casually when relevant

LLarry K.RegularDec 26

You might need to get a therapist involved here, not because anything's wrong with your son but because kids can't always hear reassurance from their parents the same way they hear it from an outside person. Having someone he trusts say 'this is not your fault' from a neutral third party can actually rewire that belief faster.