My 9-year-old asked why mommy cries after I pick him up

Dec 271 min read

This happened last weekend and I'm still processing it. Picked up Jake from school on Friday and he mentioned that when his mom drops him off at my place, he sees her crying in the car. He asked me why.

I didn't know what to say. I kept it simple - "mom loves you very much and sometimes parents feel sad about things, but it's not about you." But man, it hit different hearing that from him. I never want my son to feel responsible for managing his mother's emotions.

Do I say something to her? Or would that make things worse? This whole thing just feels heavy.

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Comments(11)

CChris N.RegularDec 28

Oof that's heavy. The fact that he SAW her crying is rough because now he's worried about both of you. Worth having a calm conversation with your ex about pickup etiquette, but also just... acknowledge with Jake that grown-ups get sad sometimes and it's not his job to fix it

PPhil C.RegularDec 28

Has his mom said anything to you about it? Because if she's regularly crying at pickup, that's worth a separate conversation between you two. Not to blame her, but Jake shouldn't be carrying that emotional load

GGabe R.RegularDec 27

This is the stuff nobody prepares you for in divorce. My kids asked similar things and I basically said "your mom and I both love you very much, sometimes transitions are hard, but that's about us, not you." Might help to have that script ready

PPete D.RegularDec 28

The hardest part of co-parenting sometimes is knowing when to address stuff with the other parent vs just reassuring your kid. This feels like both honestly

BBen D.RegularDec 30

My 8yo asked why mom cries after he goes with me and it totally blindsided me. Turns out she was crying about unrelated stuff but my brain immediately went to guilt spiral. But honestly it opened up a conversation about how feelings are complicated and that's okay

DDerek P.RegularDec 29

That's such a heavy thing for a 9yo to carry. He's probably feeling responsible or trying to figure out if he did something wrong. Beyond answering his question, might help to let him know explicitly that her feelings aren't his job to fix.

PPete S.RegularDec 29

This happened to us and it turned out my ex was dealing with some stuff she wasn't handling well. I actually reached out to her about it - not confrontational, just "hey Jake mentioned something and I wanna make sure his mom is ok." She opened up and we could actually communicate better about it. Helped Jake because he could tell his parents cared about HER too, not just the logistics.

KKurt D.RegularDec 30

Kids are like emotional radars man. He's picking up on something real. The fact that he's asking YOU about it means he trusts you, which is good. But you gotta check in with his mom - not from a "gotcha" angle but genuine concern.

VVic G.RegularDec 28

This is a rough position. He's observant and he's trying to make sense of something he's seeing. Need to figure out what's really going on with his mom first before you can answer him honestly. Is she struggling with the custody situation? Depression? Something else?

TTony G.RegularDec 28

At 9 he deserves some truth but not the whole truth if that makes sense. Like "mommy has some big feelings sometimes" is real without being "mommy is sad about the divorce" if that's what's happening. What did you end up telling him?

JJoe C.RegularDec 29

I'm still processing" - yeah, this would mess with me for a while too. Your kid just threw you a curveball that's not really about him, it's about his mom's wellbeing. That's a lot.