My ex is badmouthing me to our kids and idk what to do

Dec 21 min read

This is fresh and I'm still angry so forgive me if this is rant-y. My 9-year-old came back from his mom's place and casually mentioned she said I 'don't care about his education' because I let him take two electives he wanted instead of the honors track. Context: I sat with him, looked at what he's interested in, and thought enrichment in areas he cares about matters more than forcing advanced classes. My ex is big on achievement and pushing hard. Now my kid is asking me why I don't care about him doing well.

I've tried not to talk negatively about her parenting with him, even when I disagree. But this feels intentional and harmful. How do I address this without pulling him into the middle or going off on her?

12 comments440 views

Comments(12)

AArchie M.RegularDec 3

That's infuriating. She's literally poisoning his view of you to make herself feel better about whatever. Did you correct him directly or are you trying to figure out how to handle it?

CCole B.RegularDec 3

Document this pattern if it keeps happening. Not to be legal about it but if it escalates, a judge will want to know she's actively badmouthing the other parent. For now though - killing her with kindness and being reliably present with your kid is your best move.

NNeil C.New DadDec 3

I'm angry FOR you but I gotta ask - do you have it in writing anywhere that she's doing this? Text, email, him mentioning it again? Just asking because if this is a pattern it matters.

CCarl W.RegularDec 3

The 'I let him take breaks' is such a normal parenting choice too. She's twisting reasonable stuff to make you look bad. Don't let that narrative stick in your head - you know what you're doing.

RRob P.RegularDec 3

Don't engage with what she said directly to him - that just makes it a thing. But yeah, go talk to your ex. Not angry, just factual. 'I heard you told [kid] that I don't care about his education. That's not fair to him or accurate. We need to keep our disagreements separate from what he hears.'

RRyan G.RegularDec 5

Real question: what's your custody arrangement? If she's badmouthing you regularly you might need documentation and possibly a lawyer depending on where you are. Not jumping straight to nuclear but if she's poisoning your relationship with your kid, that's parenting interference.

VVic H.RegularDec 4

The tablet thing is a complete non-issue compared to her poisoning the well. That's the actual problem here. How often does this happen? Is she doing it deliberately to turn him against you or is it more like careless comments that slip out?

DDale J.RegularDec 4

Don't respond to him defensively about it. Just show him through actions that you DO care about his education. Maybe work on homework together during your time, celebrate his wins. Let your behavior speak louder than her words eventually will.

MMiles B.New DadDec 5

Oof I feel this. My ex pulled the same move - told my daughter I 'didn't want to spend time with her' because I suggested she needed more structure during my weekends. Kid internalized that hard. Had to have a real conversation with my ex about co-parenting and my therapist helped me figure out what I could actually control (spoiler: just my own behavior with my kid).

MMike T.RegularDec 5

Lots of parents let kids take breaks - that's normal parenting. Taking a 20-minute break from homework isn't neglect. She's twisting your reasonable choices into character attacks on you. That sucks and I'm sorry.

GGreg H.RegularDec 5

My ex did similar stuff. What saved me was just being SO consistent and reliable that my kid could see the reality for himself. By like age 12 he knew she was full of it. Hard to wait that long but the truth comes out.

RRyan G.RegularDec 5

Okay this one's tricky because you can't actually control what she says but you CAN control how you respond to him. When he brings up stuff like that, calmly explaining your actual position matters more than anything his mom said. He'll figure it out as he gets older.