Our son is using custody schedule as a threat

Dec 181 min read

He's 11. When he doesn't get his way with either of us, he threatens to ask the judge to let him live with the other parent. Obviously he has no idea how that actually works, but it's become a manipulation tactic. My ex and I actually talked about this (surprisingly productive conversation) and we're thinking of a united front approach—like both telling him the schedule stays the same no matter what and that threats won't change anything. But how do I do that without making him feel like we don't want him or that I'm being cold? This is hard.

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Comments(10)

SSteve C.RegularDec 18

Yeah he's learned that's a power move. The 'I'll tell the judge' threat is basically his nuclear option and he's testing whether it works. Classic negotiation tactic for an 11yo.

MMarvin T.RegularDec 21

The fact that he's doing this at both houses means it's working at least some of the time. He wouldn't keep using a threat that had zero effect. Something he's getting out of it—whether it's your reaction or actually getting his way sometimes.

LLarry K.RegularDec 19

This is where you and your ex actually need to be on the same page, even if you're normally not. If he thinks he can leverage that threat, you both gotta calmly shut it down together. 'That's not how this works and we're not going to discuss it this way.'

AAndy S.RegularDec 19

That threat thing gets old FAST. You gotta calmly shut it down every single time though. 'That's not how this works, and also not a consequence I'm entertaining in this conversation.'

SSteve Q.RegularDec 20

Yeah my 10yo did this for like 6 months. What helped was actually explaining (age-appropriately) that judges care what kids want but there's a reason they exist—to make sure he's safe and cared for, not to punish his parents. Made him realize it's not a weapon.

DDanny R.RegularDec 19

11 is old enough to understand that his life doesn't get uprooted because he's mad. But he's using the tool he thinks he has. Have you talked to your ex about consistency on this? She needs to shut it down the same way.

RRandy S.RegularDec 20

Have you responded with humor at all or do you go serious? Sometimes an 'okay buddy, good luck explaining your candy negotiations to family court' can defuse it while still setting the boundary.

TTerrence J.RegularDec 20

The manipulative part sucks but it's also... not that weird for an 11yo to test boundaries like this. Doesn't mean you accept it, just means he's exploring what happens if he says it. Stay firm and consistent and it'll pass.

GGary R.RegularDec 21

Real talk though: at 11 he's old enough to understand 'judges decide based on neglect or abuse, not because you want different rules.' Might be worth having a real conversation instead of just dismissing it every time.

LLou P.RegularDec 21

Kids say this stuff when they feel like they have no other leverage. The threat IS the power move he thinks he has. Address whatever's actually making him feel powerless and the threats usually stop.