Should I push back on the new parenting rules?

Dec 81 min read

My ex recently got really into positive parenting books and wants to change our whole discipline approach. Like, no yelling, time-ins instead of timeouts, 'natural consequences,' whole nine yards. She's emailed me articles and wants us to 'align' on this. Here's the thing - I don't hate the idea, but I also don't love being told how to parent during my time by someone who suddenly decided this was necessary. We've raised two pretty solid kids (14 and 11) with our old approach so it doesn't feel broken. Am I being stubborn or is this a 'if it ain't broke' situation?

11 comments210 views

Comments(11)

WWes B.RegularDec 8

The positive parenting thing is... actually solid though? I resisted it at first because 'timeouts worked fine on me' but time-ins where you sit with them actually teach better. Natural consequences is real too - you forget lunch, you're hungry at school, you remember lunch next time. Way better than me yelling about it.

GGreg W.RegularDec 8

this is tough because you're both trying to do right by the kids, just different philosophies. the real question is whether these approaches are actually incompatible or if you're just resistant to change. time-ins vs timeouts - what's the actual difference you're worried about?

CCarl S.RegularDec 9

The positive parenting book thing can feel preachy but a lot of it is backed by research. That said, you know your kids and your parenting instincts matter too. Maybe don't push back on the philosophy, but push back on the specific execution? Like, okay, natural consequences, but with guardrails for safety

RRandy B.RegularDec 9

lmao 'whole nine yards' of parenting books hits different when you're co-parenting with someone who just discovered The Psychology of Kids TM. But real question: are her results actually better? Like is the kid behaving better or is she just feeling more righteous about her methods?

RRandy B.RegularDec 9

The real issue isn't the parenting books, it's that you two need alignment. Kids will play you against each other regardless of whether it's timeout vs time-in. Can you two actually talk about WHY she wants these changes instead of just resisting?

LLou P.RegularDec 10

Natural consequences is legit though - way better than arbitrary punishment. My oldest actually learned responsibility faster when I stopped rescuing him from his choices. Took forever to get there though.

MMatt J.RegularDec 10

The no yelling thing is the hard one for me. I'm naturally a yeller and I had to work on it. But my therapist made a good point: yelling teaches kids to be afraid of you, not to listen to you. Took me a minute but she's right. Maybe don't push back and just... try it for like 3 weeks?

CCarlos M.New DadDec 10

my ex did the same thing and honestly? some of it stuck because it actually worked. time-ins are just timeouts with talking. natural consequences suck at first but teach faster. not saying abandon your approach entirely but maybe the old school punishment model has limits

PPaul W.RegularDec 10

lol when my ex got into this I thought it was ridiculous. But turns out yelling at kids creates a different kind of problem - they learn to yell to solve problems too. Not saying be a pushover, but yeah, no yelling actually makes sense

LLeo R.New DadDec 10

Here's the thing: if she wants to change the approach, you probably should too, even if you don't love the books. Kids get confused when one parent yells and the other does time-ins. Consistency between houses matters more than which method you pick. Maybe ask her to explain the actual reasoning instead of just 'my mom read a book about it'?

MMike R.New DadDec 10

Before you push back, maybe actually read one of the books she's into? Not because you're surrendering but because you'll understand what she's trying to do instead of just hearing 'new rules, whatever.' If you actually disagree after reading, that's a real conversation. If you don't, you don't have to tell her lol