Stepdad trying to discipline my kids when I'm not there

Dec 131 min read

Found out last week that my ex's new husband has been sending my kids to timeout and 'consequences' when they visit. My 6-year-old told me he 'didn't listen to stepdad' so stepdad took away his tablet. Look, I get that he's in the house and needs some baseline cooperation, but he's not their parent and definitely not their disciplinarian. This is how you create loyalty conflicts and anxiety. I'm trying to figure out how to address this without blowing everything up. We don't have great communication already. Do I email her about it? Call? What's the right move here?

11 comments299 views

Comments(11)

PPatrick W.RegularDec 13

Yeah so stepdad doesn't get to be handing out consequences unilaterally. That's between you and your ex. I'd text your ex directly (not through stepdad) and be clear: 'We need to agree on discipline rules together. Timeout might be fine but device stuff needs to come through both of us.' Keep it businesslike.

MMarcus J.RegularDec 14

This needs to be addressed ASAP. Your 6yo shouldn't be getting discipline from someone who isn't his parent. That's boundary crossing

MMike F.RegularDec 14

Stepparents can help reinforce rules but they don't get to CREATE consequences. That's parent authority. You need to have a conversation with your ex about what you're comfortable with

SShane K.New DadDec 14

The tablet thing stings because it's YOUR stuff. Did stepdad even ask your ex before taking it? Because if he's making unilateral decisions about YOUR kid's access to YOUR property that's definitely overstepping.

DDanny G.RegularDec 14

This is a tough one. Did you have a conversation with your ex about discipline expectations before this happened? The timeout thing might be him trying to set boundaries, but taking away the tablet without your say-so crosses a line. You need to get on the same page with your ex ASAP about what discipline looks like at her place.

MMike T.RegularDec 13

lol my stepdad tried the same thing with me as a kid and my mom shut it down immediately. Your ex needs to back you up here or this will keep happening. If she won't, that's a bigger co-parenting problem.

WWes B.RegularDec 14

Had this same situation. Sent a firm but professional email to my ex laying out what's off limits for stepdad. Stepdad needs to report issues to HER and she decides what to do

CCarl D.RegularDec 14

Yeah that's not his call to make. Timeout and taking away devices aren't his place unless you and your ex specifically agreed on it. Does your custody agreement say anything about discipline?

ZZack M.RegularDec 15

the tablet thing would piss me off the most. That's not his place and he's creating confusion for your kid about who actually makes the rules

HHank W.RegularDec 15

Have you talked to your ex about this yet? She needs to tell her husband to back off because your kids aren't his to discipline

FFred J.RegularDec 15

I get that he might think he's helping but he's not the parent. Your 6yo shouldn't be confused about who makes the rules. Definitely document what your son told you and have a calm conversation with your ex. If stepdad is undermining you regularly that's a pattern worth addressing.