The grocery store was out of snails today

Escargot instead of snails is gold. Your wife probably was trying not to laugh at how hard you committed to the bit.

The wife not appreciating it makes this even better honestly. That's a solid dad joke, the kind that lands in that uncomfortable space where you know it's bad but also kind of clever.

I would have done the exact same thing. The fact that you actually bought escargot instead of just telling the joke makes it perfect dad energy.