My 10 year old plays Fortnite with his buddies online and when I tell him to get off he literally has a meltdown every single time. He says he can't leave his squad in the middle of a match and I get that but sometimes it's past 10pm on a school night. We're trying to be reasonable about it but it f...
I was trying to explain why it's funny when you call a sleepy bull a 'bulldozer' and she just shook her head and left the room. Pretty sure she's regretting this whole marriage thing right now.
He goes 'Dad why did the cookie go to the doctor?' I say 'I dunno buddy why?' He says 'Because it felt crumbly!' Absolutely terrible joke but I've never laughed harder in my life. He got it from that joke app I downloaded and now he's been rattling them off all day. This is what parenthood is all ab...
I was at Target with my 5 year old and she points at this expensive baby stroller and goes 'Daddy that's nice but I already have legs.' Loudest laugh I've heard in the whole store and everyone looked at us. Now my wife keeps bringing it up like I taught her that but it was pure unfiltered kid logic....
Been reading through Proverbs with my 8 year old before bed and we hit the verses about honesty. Thing is, I just told my boss I was sick to leave early when really I just wanted to watch the game. My son asked me if I was being honest like the Bible says and man, that hit different. How do you guys...
Seriously why is a simple fart noise the most hilarious thing in the universe to a 4 year old? I'm over here looking stupid making fart noises and my son is literally crying laughing. Then my wife gives me that look like I'm the worst influence but honestly those moments are gold. The simplest dumb ...
A FREE MAN. Kidding, obviously. But seriously I told this joke last night and got blank stares from everyone. My dad laughed though so I'm calling it a win. The torch has been passed.
Three guys in my league have completely ghosted us mid season. We're supposed to be best friends from college but apparently having kids means you can't even set your lineup once a week. Starting to think we need to just accept it's over. Anyone else dealing with a dead league right now or is it jus...
Told my son I was reading a book about anti-gravity. He asked if it was good and I said I couldn't put it down. I absolutely lost it. My wife didn't even look up from her phone. My son asked if I needed help. This is my life now.
I'm not even exaggerating. Went through like 2 pots yesterday. Kids were home sick, couldn't get them to nap at the same time, and my wife was working late. By 8pm I was basically vibrating but at least I survived.
My daughter came home upset about how some boy was treating her at school. Didn't raise my voice or get angry. Told her straight up: a real man listens to what a woman says, respects her boundaries, and treats her with the same dignity he'd want for his own sister. Then I showed her how her grandfat...
Been working with my 8 year old on his handshake. Not that weak fish grip nonsense. Firm grip, look them in the eye, say their name back to them. He had his baseball coach's charity event last weekend and I watched him meet the donors. The look on those men's faces when this kid gave them a real han...
Realized at checkout I was wearing the same shirt from yesterday, hair looks like I stuck my finger in a socket, and I smell vaguely of spit up. Cashier didn't even blink. She knows. We all know.
This hit different yesterday. I was lecturing my son about being honest and truthful, and my daughter (she's 9) looked right at me and said "But dad you told grandma you were too busy to visit when you actually just wanted to watch the game." Man, that stung. I realized I've been falling short on th...
My 8yo had to make a diorama about space and we built this whole thing with a planetarium effect using glow in the dark stuff. Worked on it for like three weekends. Saw it got an A and his teacher left a note saying it was incredible. He keeps telling everyone his dad helped him. Feeling pretty good...