Took my son to the doctor today
The doc said he needed to watch his drinking. So now I stand next to him while he has juice. He's 4 and already thinks I'm the worst.
Your best (worst) dad jokes, funny parenting moments, and things only dads understand.
955 threads
The doc said he needed to watch his drinking. So now I stand next to him while he has juice. He's 4 and already thinks I'm the worst.
My daughter was about to walk into the slide while looking at her shoes and I caught her by the backpack. Wife said I have eyes in the back of my head. I told her it's called being
Yesterday I found myself saying 'Please stop licking the couch' and earlier this week I had to explain why we don't eat dirt. Also told my son that his dinosaur and his action figu
Kid walks up to me this morning and goes 'Dad why did the cookie go to the doctor?' I'm like I dunno buddy why? 'Because it felt crumbly!' I literally had to sit down. The delivery
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it. Been saving this one for the right moment with my kids. Pretty sure they'll groan so hard.
I've been using the same jokes for years and they still laugh. One of them finally asked me yesterday if I make up my own material. I almost cried. Yes son, I do. I'm basically a p
Found my old Socks and Sandals combo in a photo from 2003. Showed it to the kids. They couldn't stop laughing. I'm bringing it back. Fashion is cyclical anyway. My wife is threaten
He said 'Dad I'm hungry' and I was about to say 'Hi Hungry I'm Dad' but he beat me to it with 'And I'm you' and just stared at me. I don't know if he gets it yet but he's learning.
My 7 year old asked for cereal and I said 'Sure, we can get the expensive stuff' then grabbed the store brand. He didn't notice. My wife thinks I'm a monster but honestly this is p
I told him I was just checking to see if they were as bad as I remember. He looked confused. Wife laughed from the kitchen. Mission accomplished.
Instead of typing out responses to my kids' group chat I just send a thumbs up. They hate it. I love it. This is what parenting victory looks like.
His teacher told me he told the class that he wanted to be a baker because he kneaded dough. That's literally MY joke from like two years ago. I should be mad that he stole my mate
So my 18 month old managed to get poop literally everywhere during a Target trip. I'm talking up the back, down both legs, on my shirt. We had to abandon our cart and go straight t
Like how you can wake up in the morning and immediately feel like you need a nap. Or how you can have a whole conversation with your kids and not remember any of it 5 minutes later
This morning I told them I had to go to the bank to get my balance and they actually groaned which counts as a win in my book. Been dropping dad jokes for years and they usually ju
My 18 month old woke up screaming about a shadow on the wall. I sat there at 3am in the dark making shadow puppets with my phone flashlight until he laughed. My back is killing me,
I told him I was looking for a number. He said 'Dad, just use the phone.' Kid destroyed me with logic.
Changed my son this morning and got absolutely wrecked. Full coverage, up the back, down the legs. I was standing there in my underwear holding everything at arm's length trying to
Came back with a rotisserie chicken instead because I saw it spinning and got hypnotized. Wife wasn't laughing but I made some killer chicken sandwiches. Sometimes you win some you
He heard someone had stolen a base. Told this one to my 7 year old and he groaned so hard I thought he pulled something.